Be the Host
Engage in Life!
Only by engaging in life more fully are we able to meet our yearning to nourish and care for ourselves, to learn, and to grow. It is like dipping into the life-giving stream and sipping the water of life. Watching the stream go by doesn’t nourish you; only by interacting with it can you draw the nourishment to you. The same is true for your life. It is only by dipping into experiences, engaging more fully, and partaking in what life offers that you are nourished. You consciously become part of the stream of life, allowing it to flow through you, nourish you, enfold you, and enrich you.
Engaging in life means that you are actively involved in all aspects of your life, rather than observing life going on around you.
You are conscious, present, dealing in, and taking part in activities and in the world around you. You engage with others and participate more fully in your life. You can play, take risks, try new things, and make mistakes. You become more alive and allow your childlike spirit to come forth more freely. Your self-consciousness recedes as your self- nourishment increases.
The extensive research of Martin Seligman, the founder of positive psychology, powerfully demonstrates that being engaged is one of the top three ways to experience happiness and a good life. Neuroscience studies show that when we are conscious, stretching, and engaged in intentional activity, not only are we happier, but our brains are ‘happier’—it is how our brains are designed to be used. Rather than sinking into deadening, mindless, numbing ruts and routines, we are alive, nourished, learning, growing, and becoming. By engaging, we activate our frontal lobes and can direct our lives into new possibilities!
You’re learning how to belong, to play, to risk, to be more free and spontaneous. In other words, you discover what it’s like to feel more fully alive and in the moment, as opposed to just going through the motions. Being fully engaged combines your sense of “being” with “doing,” and it’s a chance to discover how much you’re missing when you stick to your repetitive routines. Discover the nourishment that comes from engaging in your life fully—how you become both more nourished and more yourself.
By hosting each activity or space you find yourself in, you will understand how the act of engaging, owning the outcome of the activities you are engaged in, accepting responsibility for and scanning for others’ comfort, welfare, and well-being all help you to instantly belong.
Play the Host
We all yearn to belong, to feel connected to others, to be part of a group. Belonging is a universal hunger—a yearning for connection, mattering, and being loved. It is through belonging and being connected with ourselves and others that we nourish ourselves. Yet we often don’t know how to create the sense of belonging we long for. We often wait for special circumstances to arise, or for other people to make us feel like we belong, or for others to choose us so that we belong.
Think about the times you have felt left out on the fringe of things, watching others and wishing that you belonged. Or the times when you were “faking it”— pretending to belong or trying to fit in, but not really feeling like you are part of the group or gathering. You are aware of your yearning to be part of something, to connect, to belong, but perhaps you don’t believe that you really can belong, or you lack the skills to interact, or you’ve resigned yourself to sitting outside, or you are waiting for someone to come and make it different for you. Or maybe you can act gregarious and outgoing, but still don’t feel connected to others or that you belong. What emotions are you aware of in these situations— fear of not belonging, hurt that you are left out or not part of things, angry at others for not including you, sad about being lonely and left out, or...?
Often the loneliest feeling is when we are around people, but not connected with them. Maybe you have admired others who seem to belong or seem more outgoing or popular—or been jealous of their ability to fit in and get along. It is hard to get nourished by observing others connect, wishing you belonged, or watching life go by. On the other hand, think about other times where you have felt like you are part of the greater flow of life, when you are connected to others, and feel like you belong. When your yearning to belong is met, you feel nourished, joyful, and satisfied. By participating in life and engaging with others, you can be sustained, nurtured, and nourished.
Abraham Maslow included the need to belong in the hierarchy of needs, citing it as a major source of human motivation. Baumeister and Leary posit that much of what we do as human beings is motivated by our need to belong. The need to belong stems from evolutionary history—people were more likely to survive when they belonged to a group. The yearning to belong and be part of a group is a crucial aspect of a satisfying life. Yet, we don’t always create the belonging we desire.
Many of us wait to be invited to participate to feel like we belong. Or we think we must be popular or special, be in the in-crowd, or be cool. However, belongingness isn’t something that happens to us; it is something we create for ourselves. You don’t need to wait to belong. You choose to belong. Belonging is not something someone else bestows upon you; it is something you claim for yourself. Belongingness is an inside job—a choice you make through your behavior and attitude, which is made real through the exercise of appropriate actions. You are not a victim of circumstances—you are the creator of your life!
The purpose of this hosting experiment is to choose to belong by “owning” the activities you are engaged in and to act responsibly as an “owner” of every experience, party, Zoom meeting, and gathering that you find yourself in. In this exercise, you are to become a host of everything you participate in.
When you host each activity or space you find yourself in, you come to understand how the act of engaging, owning the outcome of the activities you engage in, and accepting responsibility for and scanning for others’ comfort, welfare, and well-being all help you to instantly belong.
BE The Host!
Main Assignment
Your main exercise is to become the host of everything that you participate in—whether a family dinner, Zoom lunch with friends, a business meeting, or even your home office. Host as many things in as many ways with as many people as you can.
Think about good hosting you’ve experienced. What made someone a good host? What roles do they play? What do they do? How do they act? What is their way of being? How do you feel when you are at a gathering with a good host? What is it they do that feels good to you?
Brainstorm what a host or hostess does. Create a definition of the role and possible ways to become one. Using the worksheet provided, inventory some of the ways people have hosted you—such as preparing a lovely, inviting space, perhaps even with flowers and food; making introductions, hanging up coats, or making sure each guest has what they need; making meaningful, genuine contact with everyone, inquiring after their health and family, or getting updated on major happenings in their life; or making everyone in attendance feel included and special.
Now, become the host or hostess of everything you are participating in—not only events that you generate. All of life is your party this week. Welcome newcomers to your work team, get on a business meeting early and greet people, play the host at a dinner with family or friends, be the greeter and host at networking events, be a host in the grocery store check-out line, welcome a new baby to the world or a new student to school, etc. Be creative! Be aware of others’ needs and do what you can to make them more comfortable. Reach out to others, introduce friends to one another, make connections between people, help others to network...the options are limitless.
As you practice hosting others in all areas of your life, make note of any rules and beliefs you have about yourself as a host and notice the emotions and visions you create because of this exercise. Journal or take notes to capture these insights for yourself to help you further learn and explore what a nourished YOU looks and feels like.
Notice all the ways you belong when you “own” the activities you engage in and play the host! Not only are you fulfilling the yearning to belong, but you’re likely also meeting yearnings to connect, to be seen, to matter, and to make a difference. Choose to belong, to be nourished, and to meet your yearnings. Be the host everywhere you are!
Very-Able Assignments
Host the Familiar
Be the host of all the activities that you are already engaged in—with your family, your work, your social activities, etc. Think about your calendar and all your normal activities coming up. Whether it is a family dinner, your regular committee or service meeting, book group, spiritual study or Bible group, meetings or projects with coworkers, a neighborhood gathering, a workout class—it is your activity to host.
Host Those You Don’t Know
Practice hosting people you don’t already know. Reach out to newcomers; get to know people at a gathering or meeting that you haven’t met before. Help them network, or graciously ask if they’d like you to get them something to eat or drink, or find them a chair to sit. Get to know them and introduce them to others. Be gracious to strangers whether it’s in a waiting room, online meeting room, or a restroom. Host people from out of town—when you see someone on the street puzzling over a map, walk up to them and help them find their way.
Host Those You Don’t Like
Broaden your range. Practice hosting people you don’t particularly like. Host those you even have an aversion to! The results may surprise you. Often the people we have disagreeable reactions to are only reflecting a quality or qualities in ourselves that we don’t like that we project onto them. Hosting them may shift your attitude toward them.
Claim Space and Be a Contribution
Rather than be a wallflower, claim space at a gathering or meeting. Show up, speak up, and contribute. Assume that you are a valued member, that you have something to say, and that you have something to contribute to others.
Assume that you are a gift to others. Be a positive contribution to all those you meet.
Interact with Meaningful Conversations
Hosting means connecting with people—and what better way than to have meaningful conversations! Engage in real, substantive conversations. Be interested in others: find out what they yearn for, what matters to them, what is important to them. Show genuine interest in others and make a difference! See how nourishing these deep conversations can be for everyone involved.
Match Your Style to Those You Host
Hosts are attuned to their guests—and being aware of their personality styles can help you make better contact with them. Experiment with matching your style to those you’re hosting. Sense if they are analytical, energetic, warm, or to-the-point, then interact in a style that will match them. Otherwise, if you bombard an Analyzer in an overly enthusiastic way, they may have a difficult time responding. Try a more factual approach instead. Or if you are an Analyzer, when interacting with bubbly personalities like Energizers, they may have a hard time relating to you. Instead, up-regulate and interact with more energy and enthusiasm. Regulators will want you to get to the point, and Cooperators will appreciate more warmth and connecting as people.
Build more rapport by being aware of your personality style and the personality styles of those with whom you interact. You build your social intelligence skills, too! If you haven’t used the CARE personality assessment yet, do it now. You can even share it with your friends or co-workers to better understand and communicate with each other.
Life of the Party
Be the life of the party—be social, assist the host, tell a good joke, circulate, make conversation... have people be glad that they met you. Work the room (or outdoor space!), entertain your dinner companions, make contact with everyone. You are the spark that generates a quality occasion.
Have a Party
Host a party this week! Invite friends to a Netflix Party, ask coworkers to lunch, host a happy hour, throw a standup comedy night for your coworkers, invite your nieces and nephews to a bakeoff, or celebrate even more at whatever gathering you’re at! Prepare goody bags or virtual gifts for people that visit your home or your virtual space. Greet everyone with a genuine smile. Pick out music, decorate, greet everyone, circulate, and have a blast!
Welcome to My World
Invite people into your world—into your home, your activities, your life. Host a “growth party”—invite family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, etc. to dinner or coffee to share more powerfully about what you are learning, how you are growing and invite everyone to join you in your journey.
