FLOW AND ALIVENESS
Full Expression
True intimacy requires that you be yourself as fully as possible and express yourself fully in order to be truly known and loved by others. To be known by another person, you must know yourself and share all aspects of yourself. It means telling the truth rather than hiding it; flowing in your expression rather than constantly editing or being manipulative in your communications; and being fully alive rather than being checked out, in your head, or shut down.
Many people go through their lives withholding part (or most) of their authentic selves. In the last month, you have explored the many ways you have held back in expressing who you really are—you have seen how you withhold communications, resentments, and aspects of yourself. You have begun to see the impact of unexpressed, unsaid, or unresolved thoughts, feelings, and judgments in your life and relationships. You’ve begun to realize how the energy you have been using to withhold expression can now be used to bring you greater fulfillment and satisfaction.
You have begun to discover how unexpressed hurt and anger become locked into feelings of resentment, creating blocks and barriers to intimacy. In expressing your resentments, you have been able to affirm yourself and tap the deeper yearning and feelings underneath your resentments—again claiming more of the authentic you. And counter to your previous beliefs, you have found that releasing your resentments leads to more satisfaction and intimacy in relationships. You have leveraged the Rules of Engagement to practice expression and build on this new awareness to deepen relationships. With these insights and tools, you are learning to reach a greater level of truth in your relationships—being more genuine.
This time, you learn how to further challenge your beliefs and fully express who you really are in three key ways: flow, aliveness, and truth. You will also learn to challenge beliefs you have about the opposite sex (or gender expressions different from your own) which have limited your expression, your ability to see and be seen, and your capacity to know and be known—all blocks to being truly intimate. You will find a new purpose and use of the energy available in your life bank account.
By expanding your self-expression, you learn more about yourself, become less self-conscious, and experience being more present and available. You are discovering more of the tools of true intimacy—and how much more of you there is to share.
Flow & Be Alive with the Rules of Engagement!
You have been learning how intimacy is limited by your mistaken beliefs, built up resentments, withheld thoughts and feelings, and suppressed expression of your authentic self. You have explored how the failure to individuate and differentiate from your family limits your development and capacity for intimacy. You have seen how your unfinished developmental business and mistaken beliefs from your childhood and early attachment experiences limit you. You have seen that your mistaken beliefs keep you from becoming your next most radiant self.
We often think that relating and intimacy means exchanging stories about our past. Yet, it's only when we are fully in the present, being spontaneous, expressing what is so for us in the moment that we experience true intimacy and closeness with others. It is by stepping into the unknown that we live in the present moment. By being willing to take risks, to express fully without knowing exactly what you are going to say, and to let your expression be more creative, you will discover solutions, see possibilities, release resentments, and stay current. You more easily create new ideas and learn new information about yourself and others. It is only by being in the present moment that you learn to communicate and connect with others on deeper levels, leading to more fulfillment and greater intimacy. It is what we refer to as “FAT”—Flow, Aliveness, and Truth. It is the healthier way to have more fullness in your life rather than just on your body!
This week, you focus on flow and aliveness. In the next few weeks, you work toward experiencing more truth in your life. Throughout the coming weeks, keep practicing with all of the Rules of Engagement to further develop your relationships. As you have more FAT (Flow, Aliveness, Truth), you will attract more people to you. You will have people excited to see you—you will light up the room as you walk in. You will unleash the child within and experience more happiness and fulfillment, right here, right now, rather than waiting for the “one thing in the future” that will make your life better. With more flow and aliveness, you develop closer, more genuine relationships–as well as experiencing more of life.
ALIVENESS
Aliveness is your life flow—the feeling of life coursing through you. It is being present, engaged, animated, and lively. You are most alive in the here and now. You experience your emotions in a fluid, full manner—facilitating your contact with the world and allowing you to touch and be touched by others. You are present to all your senses—feeling, smelling, touching, seeing, and hearing. You are in your body and emoting, not just in your head and thinking. You are connected to yourself, to others, and to a greater whole. You feel vibrant, vital, and vivacious. Your life force is streaming through you. Your energy is flowing through you.
Aliveness can be expressed in high energy or movement, but it can also be quiet awareness in a still moment. Aliveness unleashes your power of presence and brings you more of everything.
Aliveness allows you to increase your internal experience. Fear, pain, anger, or any strong feeling including joy—and the desire to keep your feelings submerged—may cause you to suppress and compromise your aliveness. When you resist your aliveness, you can’t fully experience joy, love, or intimacy. The degree to which you limit your aliveness is the degree to which you limit all the feelings that lead you to deep connection and true intimacy with others.
Aliveness requires consciousness and presence, being in the here and now. Remember, soft addictions, alcohol, and drugs limit your aliveness, mute your consciousness, and numb your feelings. Aliveness means that you are aware, alert, and present, so get “high” on life this week, not on substances! Feel life energy coursing through you, experience your feelings, and relate fully!
This week’s assignments support you in experimenting with increasing your flow and aliveness. You become more aware of the moments when you are not flowing or alive—and experiment with becoming more alive, vibrant, and flowing, leading you to the state where connection and intimacy occur. Flow and aliveness are critical intimacy skill. By being more fully yourself in the moment, you are more available to connect deeply and genuinely with others. This week is the opposite of withholding the feelings, thoughts, and judgments that you monitored last week. Instead, you are expressing with flow and aliveness!
Whatever your faith or whatever you celebrate (or don’t celebrate) this Holiday Season, chances are that you will attend holiday parties, gather with family and friends, celebrate with others, or be impacted (positively or negatively) by the season. Rather than succumbing to Bah-humbug or zoning out by overeating, over-imbibing, or going unconscious, take advantage of the opportunities in this assignment to be more alive, flow with your feelings, and express yourself!
Take advantage of the tenderness, open-heartedness, and friendliness that abounds. Have meaningful, enlivening conversations with as many people as you can. Flow from your heart and experience the aliveness of being in the moment and being your true self!
Keep in mind that as you open yourself up to more Flow and Aliveness, when you are conscious, in touch with your yearnings and feelings, when you are flowing and alive, you are on the right side of the engagement continuum—where intimacy happens and where you emerge and become. Rather than having static transactions with others, you have alive, intimate engagement that fulfills your yearnings, touches the yearnings of others, and helps you become who you can become. This week as you use the Rules of Engagement and express with flow and aliveness, you will be living on the right side of the Engagement Continuum and creating transformative engagement wherever you are!
FLOW
Flow is an exchange of energy—it is movement. It is a natural release of energy or feeling. When you are open and feeling alive, energy flows through you freely and without resistance. As you resist and fight your feelings, you block the free flow of energy—which blocks your aliveness, expression, and intimacy. If you are not flowing, you are limiting your ability to connect more deeply with others. Thus, when you are in flow, you experience more of yourself, more life, and more intimacy.
Being in flow means that you are spontaneous and unedited. You don’t just tell stories of past incidents or act out of your historical patterns. You follow the direction of your urges and yearnings. Flow means you are fully engaged in the here and now—in fact, the here and now is the only place you can truly experience flow. It means you are present and aware of all things around you. You are dynamic and are truly creating in this very moment. Flow means that you are alive!
Engage in the spirit of the season that transcends our different faiths—experience the possibilities of hope, generosity, the light that comes after the darkness, and the joy of intimacy—connecting and sharing with others.
Express with Flow and Aliveness
Main Assignment
Your assignment this week is to experience Flow and Aliveness as much as possible every day. One of the ways you can embrace Flow and Aliveness is to build on the work you have done in the previous weeks, and now use all of the Rules of Engagement in your interactions. Imagine you have a toolbelt with all of the rules in it and, at any moment in time, you can pull out one or many of the rules to facilitate your Flow and Aliveness. Experiment with the following Very-Able Assignments so that you can increase your ability to flow and experience the state of aliveness. Have at least two meaningful conversations every day where you are expressing yourself and creating a space for others to have more flow and aliveness, too!
As you begin to express and engage in Flow and Aliveness, document what you are learning about yourself to capture your insights and growth moves.
Let yourself flow. Experience being fully alive. Be in the moment. Feel sensations in your body. Live unedited. Feel the life force coursing through you. Be spontaneous. Experience what it’s like to be in the moment, expressing, discovering, becoming. Encounter others fully and connect deeply. Enjoy the experience of being closer to yourself and to others!
Very-Able Assignments
Flow: Get Ready—Experience Flow
Practice joining the flow when you re-engage.
Aliveness
TALK NON-STOP FOR 5 MINUTES WITHOUT EDITING
(STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS SPEAKING)
Set a timer for 5 minutes and just talk and talk about anything and everything, big and small. Allow yourself to talk freely for the whole 5 minutes. Notice how it feels to just let yourself go, to talk with no interruptions, to allow all ranges of expression. Notice when you want to edit something you are saying—and say it anyway. Journal on how it feels to do this—what did you notice about yourself, what did you discover, what was different, what did you learn, how did you grow?
BABBLE
Allow yourself to say all the thoughts that you are aware of that are going on in your head throughout the day. Let noises and sounds flow. Don’t edit, don’t worry about making sense—just let the words and sounds flow. Notice where you mind wanders and actually let the words be spoken rather than contained in your head.
Be like a little kid who comes home and talks nonstop, babbling about their day: Today Toby threw up and it made me want to throw up… and the teacher said good job when I spelled ‘library’ in the spelling bee… and I played on the monkey bars and I’m hungry and when is dinner and …
Babble and express yourself; be unedited.
BABBLE WITH A BABY (OR IF YOU DON’T HAVE A BABY, DO IT WITH SOMEONE)
Talk with a baby and let yourself babble and speak and not worry about whether or not you make sense. Feel free to make sounds and speak nonsense.
SPEED UP YOUR SPEAKING PACE
Try talking faster than you usually do. Speed up your speaking pace so it is harder to edit as you speak. Just let the words tumble out. You may be surprised by what comes out of your mouth!
STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS WRITING
Set a timer for 5 minutes and then just let yourself write and write and write about what you are thinking, feeling, and sensing in those moments. Wait a day and go back and read it, and journal what you are learning about yourself.
EXPRESS JUST WITH SOUNDS, WITHOUT REAL WORDS
Take 5 minutes and just make sounds or act like you are having a conversation and use sounds to get your point across. Use your body and movements to express, too.
GET BACK IN THE RING
When you find yourself withholding or shutting down in conversations or other situations, get back in the conversation.
Reconnect with the person you were with and just let your thoughts out. Don’t worry about making sense—just say something and notice if you join the flow or stop it.
ASSESS YOUR ALIVENESS EVERY HOUR
Set a timer hourly and notice how alive you felt in that hour. Rate yourself from 1-10 (10 being so alive you can barely contain yourself and 1 being closer to comatose!) and record it in your chart. Notice when you feel more alive or less alive—try to remember what was going on that supported your aliveness and what limited it and record it in your chart. Do more of what helps you feel alive and less of what deadens you.
LIVE IN YOUR BODY
Take some risks with your body. Before going to an important meeting, dance, jump, or skip in your office to get your energy going and your body tingling. Stand up and walk around when you are on the phone in your office. Notice how your body feels when you are expressing and emoting throughout the day vs. when you are not. Allow your feelings to flow through you.
WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE?
Explore: Are you going to live your life fully? What would that mean and what would it look like? Make a deeper commitment to being an alive, vibrant human. Empower someone else to know your commitment. Give them the power to bust you and call you on your deadness while you are calling others on theirs.
ALIVENESS SCANNING
When your scan reads more toward “Dead,” choose again and express. Notice when you are feeling less alive and not as present. Use some of the flow exercises to help get you going again.
FOLLOW YOUR YEARNING AND URGES
Allow yourself to let go and be uninhibited. (Don’t do anything you would get arrested for!) Follow your urges, act on your Yearnings. It’s a great week to rewatch the movie Elf and be inspired by Buddy, the elf character played by Will Ferrell, to follow your urges and live life spontaneously.
Reminder: Work on Your Genogram and Family Systems Assignment
Chances are you will have contact with some family members during the holidays. Don’t miss the opportunity to continue working on your Genogram and Family Systems Assignment and to share with your family what you are learning about family and intimacy. Explore the roles that members play in the family—if you are with family members, you’ll have plenty of opportunities to observe their roles in action!
Holiday Bonus
If you celebrate any winter holiday—or will be with others who are celebrating the holiday season, whether that be over Zoom or in person this year—plan a conscious holiday of flow and aliveness! What can you do to create a more conscious, open, flowing holiday?
How will you have a more meaningful holiday? With whom will you have meaningful conversations? How can you make deeper contact with your family and friends rather than settling into deadening ruts and routines? Use your creativity; flow with ideas, feelings, thoughts, and urges; celebrate the gift of life with the experience of true aliveness! Share more heartfelt expressions of your love for your family and friends as you give them their gifts... or plan fun playtimes with your younger relatives... or stage your own funky holiday pageant... or sing carols together loudly, live or through Zoom, whether you are on-key or not!... or start leaping into the air with your best imitation of a ballet leap or fake Russian dancing when you hear the strains of the Nutcracker Suite... or have everybody bring their old band instruments and belt out Christmas songs.... or make snow angels... or...
Use the attached worksheet to vision on how you are going to create a conscious holiday for yourself and those with whom you share it.
Flow with Aliveness When You Attend and Invite to Growthful Events
Use this week’s lesson to flow with aliveness as you make your plans and invite others to join you on the journey. With that spirit, invite friends and family to be present with the moment and join you on the journey by sharing the progress you make, inspiring them to explore this in their own life events.
