Get Positive Attention
Being affirmed is a powerful form of nourishment, helping us to learn, grow, and develop. It helps us to validate our existence, our experience, our feelings, and our worth. We all yearn to be affirmed—to know that we exist, to be seen, to be heard, to validate our reality, to be recognized, to be reflected back to ourselves in a positive way. This yearning is deep and universal—
there is no one who does not crave this affirmation, no one that is immune to its power, and no one that does not deserve it.
Affirmation is a source of nourishment for our very being.
A powerful aspect of our self-care comes from our ability to gain positive attention from others. And, in the absence of that attention from others, we need to be able to provide that positive affirmation for ourselves. Yet affirmation doesn’t arrive at our doorstep—we need to be actively and fully engaged in life for affirmation to come to us. When we engage more fully and share ourselves, our gifts, and our feelings, we allow others the opportunity to affirm us and enhance our self-perception.
Attachment and Affirmation
Our sense of ourselves, our sense of being okay or not, our ability to affirm ourselves and to be affirmed, and our ability to affirm ourselves in the face of disaffirmation are formed from our early attachment experiences with our primary caregivers. Our perception of ourselves originally formed from how we were reflected back from our parents (and others)—from their reactions and responses to us.
As children, we had little control over the responses we received, and we formed our opinions of ourselves from our interpretation of others’ reactions to us. From the age of about 6 months to 2 years, we largely formed our sense of who we are based on how others reacted to us. We developed our identity based on reflections from our outside world. To some degree, we had both positive and negative reactions. The positive reactions are what define and build our personal strengths.
None of us had completely ideal attachment experiences of being accurately seen, in the here and now, with positive regard, consistently and unconditionally. It is now our job to recreate our attachment schema and to consciously participate in our own transformation! We can consciously create situations where we are affirmed, where we affirm ourselves, where we begin the process of shifting some of the negative core beliefs we have about ourselves and the world around us.
By learning the powerful skill of creating positive attention for ourselves, we engage in the world more fully. We consciously create being accurately seen in the here and now, positively, consistently, and more unconditionally. As we create affirmation and learn to affirm ourselves, we can increasingly provide more positive attachment experiences for ourselves.
As adults, we can consciously bring about the affirmation we seek. We can engage fully in our lives to elicit affirmation from others, and we can learn to be the source of our own affirmation. Welcoming positive affirmation is a skill that comes naturally to children, but is often extinguished or diminished with age and inconsistent, inaccurate, or negative feedback. Today as an adult, you have the power to continue building a positive sense of self.
From Mistaken Beliefs to Empowering Beliefs about Getting Attention
We all yearn to be seen, valued, appreciated, and know that we matter. Reaching out to meet this yearning by getting positive attention comes naturally to small children. Think about being at at the swimming pool or playground and hearing children call out, “Hey, look at me!”...“Watch this”...“See what I can do”... as they try a cannonball dive, or a ride down the slide, or a trick on the jungle gym. Or in a first grade classroom when the teacher asks a question and all the hands eagerly go up with a shouting chorus of “Pick Me,” “Me,” “Me!” And, when the teacher calls on the student, they don’t have the answer—they simply wanted to be picked! They wanted to be noticed.
As we grow up and get socialized, we lose that eager behavior of calling attention to ourselves. We get messages that we shouldn’t be that way. Think about the injunctions you have about getting attention and the beliefs you’ve developed. Perhaps you believe that it’s bad to seek attention—that it would be bragging, self- centered, or needy. Or maybe you have internal messages like: Don’t outshine others, don’t call attention to yourself, it’s bad or dangerous to be noticed, you should operate under the radar...
Yet, we all need—and deserve—to receive positive attention, to be affirmed, to meet our yearnings to be seen, heard, valued, and loved. These are essential aspects of being nourished and developing a strong sense of self. The point isn’t to be desperately and constantly seeking attention, but to garner positive attention that reflects ourselves back to ourselves through the eyes of others. It is to be accurately seen in the moment with positive regard, consistently. Doing this helps us to strengthen empowering beliefs about ourselves and our value to build a powerful and secure foundation for ourselves to successfully navigate our world.
Create Positive Attention
Throughout this week, your assignment is to create positive affirmation and positive attention—to be accurately reflected in the here and now, positively! This is your week to engage, to shine, to give the world something positive to reflect back to you! There is a game afoot—to get as much positive affirmation, in as many ways as possible, in as diverse a range of situations as possible and—if you are particularly adventuresome—in as vulnerable a way as possible.
Vulnerability comes with risks. These risks can include: revealing your yearning to be affirmed, expressing feelings of hurt, fear, or anger, or even expressing thoughts and feelings that you assume will be poorly received or even rejected. The deeper strength that you are developing at this level is the ability to affirm yourself in the face of disaffirmation by others. Additionally, when you cannot find positive affirmation for yourself because you are so hurt or challenged, you can learn how to reach out to others in a way that they can help you receive affirmation that you cannot give yourself. This set of skills can be developed and deepened throughout your life. With new situations in life, from career to relationship to parenting to family to spiritual development, we face new challenges, thus demanding an increase in risk-taking.
Our need for affirmation never ends, but our capacity to affirm ourselves can expand infinitely as our need for affirmation expands in proportion to our growth and development.
Experiment with engaging fully in your life and getting positive attention. Soak in the affirmation and nourishment that comes your way.
Get Positive Attention!
Main Assignment
Your focus now is to garner positive attention for yourself in as many ways as possible, with as many people, and in as diverse a range of situations as possible every day. This is opposed to negative attention, where you “act out” to get people to notice you—yelling, acting like a clown, withholding, being sullen, withdrawing, being difficult, or being passive- aggressive.
The key here is to express how you really feel about things, to engage in your life in compelling ways, to be a positive force, to contribute, and to stand out, so that people notice and reflect back to you in the form of positive attention.
To measure your effect on others, you also need to observe various ways positive responses may come to you. Positive attention can have many forms—from compliments, to being given more work to do because you are doing a good job, to having people feel safe enough to talk straight to you or even fight with you, to being hugged, adored, cherished, appreciated, honored... The possibilities are endless. Record all the different ways that you are affirmed and receive positive attention this week.
Notice the mistaken beliefs that are being challenged when you are affirmed, such as I’m not enough, I’m not lovable, or I’m not worthy... And, take in the new empowering beliefs that are building as you receive affirmation, such as I am enough, I matter, I’m worthy... Enter these in your journal, your notes or even your calendar, like I do—anywhere where you are going to notice and be more conscious of your new affirming beliefs.
Brainstorm the many ways that you can generate positive attention in your life—and then do them. Let yourself shine this week. Share yourself, let people know what you think and how you feel, show up, contribute to others. Share your gifts and talents. Get as much positive attention as you can this week in as many ways and with as many people as possible. Discover the nourishment of being positively reflected back from the world around you.
Very-Able Assignments
Get Compliments
Go out of your way to receive compliments—let yourself shine. Give people something to compliment you about through your positive actions and contributions or how you look, behave, and express yourself. You can even fish for compliments this week and ask directly for feedback and compliments.
Offer Your Gifts and Talents
Be appreciated for your gifts this week. What do you do well? Are you a great listener or problem solver? A great energizer or a splendid soother? Can you carry a tune, fix a computer, or play the piano? Can you organize a closet, balance a checkbook with ease, bake a mean chocolate chip cookie, or hold vision for another...?
Look at things both large and small. The aspects that come easily to you don’t necessarily come easily to others, and sharing your talents will be appreciated. Offer your gifts, be a positive contribution, volunteer your efforts. Even if you don’t get officially acknowledged by another person, you affirm the value of your own gifts by offering them to others.
Looking Good, Being Great
Look great this week. Wear that new shirt or dress that has been hanging in your closet. More than looking good, be great this week—do your best on your work project, go out of your way to serve, give things your best effort. Be kind, be real, be your best!
Come from Your Heart
Share from your heart—let people know what you are feeling. One of the ways we get affirmed is to have someone acknowledge our feelings and validate our right to feel them. This is one of the most vulnerable—and most powerful—ways of being affirmed. Open your heart—let others see your pain, fear, anger, joy, bliss, hurt, and love. Tell deep truths from your heart.
Whether others validate you or not, you show great self-love when you allow yourself to express the deepest aspects of yourself and allow your feelings to surface. It is how you affirm your right to feel and affirm the voice of your heart.
Share and Serve
Share your thoughts, feelings, and talents with others. Be generous with your gifts. Look for where you can be a contribution. Lend a sympathetic ear, help someone solve a problem, volunteer your services. Reach out and share—share your feelings, cookies from your cookie jar, extra produce from your garden, positive thoughts, compliments, sweet nothings to your honey...
Celebrate Yourself!
Affirm yourself! Acknowledge yourself in all possible ways. Give yourself credit for your efforts. Compliment and celebrate yourself! Acknowledge your feelings, honor your gifts and talents, give yourself credit for going for it! Honor your growth, your courage, and the risks you’ve taken. Honor your mistakes and missteps—at least you were stepping out. Where have you served, shone, stood out? What is cool about you?
Write what’s cool about you in your journal or notepad. Make a ‘shopping list’ of affirmations you’re giving yourself and getting from others. Keep adding to the list and read it often. Go for it! Read this list out loud to yourself, or even put your tribute to yourself in lyrics to a song...
Expand Your Vision of Positive Attention
Positive attention doesn’t just mean compliments. It could be a high five of acknowledgment, a nod of appreciation, or laughing with you at a shared joke. It could be your friend asking you for advice or trusting you enough to share a confidence. It could be your boss giving you an extra assignment because she trusts you or appreciates your competence. Positive attention could be someone who sees you as capcable and is willing to fight with you, give you tough feedback, or share powerful truths. Be aware of the many different ways people give you positive attention—and take it in.
Be Aware of Your Mistaken Beliefs About Getting Attention
Be aware of your mistaken beliefs about garnering positive attention and affirmation. These beliefs limit your recreation process. Be aware of thoughts or feelings that try to block you, such as: I’m not anything special so I don’t deserve positive attention...It’s bad to brag...You can’t ask people to tell you nice things!... It’s grandstanding...It gives you a big head...I hate people who are always looking for positive attention—they are so needy...Only people with ego issues want positive attention...Keep your gifts under the radar so then people won’t expect much from you...
How do these beliefs block you from getting affirmed—or really taking affirmation in? What beliefs would you like to have about getting positive attention?
Be on Your Own Side
As you take greater risks and go for more in your life, you may not always receive positive affirmation; in fact, you may garner negative responses. But even in the absence of positive attention, you can challenge your mistaken beliefs about affirmation, create positive self- affirmation, and be on your own side!
Being on your own side means affirming yourself in the face of disaffirmation and having self-compassion. Self-compassion does not mean pampering yourself, indulging in soft addictions or defensively giving yourself a pass. It means that, despite your shortcomings and mistakes, you do not judge yourself with harshness, but continue to view yourself with positive regard, kindness, and understanding. In fact, recent studies cited in the Harvard Business Review show that it is self- compassion, rather than self-esteem, that leads us to fulfill our potential and to have a sense of well-being in our lives. This week, affirm yourself and Be on Your Own Side!
Get Affirmed by Sharing Your Community
Invite people to join your community by sharing the progress you make with your affirmations and encouraging them to practice the same within their own personal journeys. Let them into your vision of garnering positive attention and inspire them to explore this process in their own lives.
Get Positive Attention
Affirm Myself!
My Own Version of
You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown!
Affirm yourself! Give yourself positive attention. Compliment and celebrate yourself. Think about: What are your gifts? Where have you served, shone, stood out, helped…? What is cool about you? What have you done that is courageous? What risks have you taken? Honor your growth, your mistakes, your adventure! Record your compliments and celebrations of yourself here—fill in the blanks in the sentence below and give yourself the positive attention you deserve by listing everything you can think of!
Mistaken Beliefs About Getting Positive Attention
Add your discoveries to your Purposeful Leadership Process!
