Making Mistakes
One of the main purposes of nourishment is to support our development and help us learn and grow. When we learn, we understand things we have never understood before. And when we grow, we do things we wouldn’t have been able to do before. We all yearn to learn, grow, and develop ourselves; to become more than we have been; and to become who we could become. Yet, we can’t learn without taking risks; we can’t expand without stretching our limits. We can’t grow unless we attempt to do things we have never done before or stretch our capacities. Just like children, one of the biggest ways we learn is by playing, experimenting, and making mistakes.
It’s important to realize that there is no way to develop, learn, and grow without making mistakes.
The Russian educator and psychologist, Lev Vygotsky, said that we only learn by playing, engaging, and doing that which we have never don’t before. By trying new behaviors and being willing to make mistakes, we learn, grow, and stretch beyond what we imagined possible. Neuroscience research tells us that learning only occurs when we do something new at the edge of our ability.
Yet when we do something we have never done before, we are unlikely to do it without mistakes—we haven’t learned the skill yet to do it perfectly.
In fact, making mistakes is critical for learning. Neuroscience studies show that the most effective way to get better is to make mistakes. Before your neurons can succeed, they must repeatedly fail—which is what happens when we make mistakes! We remember things better by trying and failing first, rather than just studying. For example, studies show that if students make an unsuccessful attempt to guess the answer before receiving the right answer, they remember the information better than if they just study the text.
Only by trying things and seeing what works, observing the effects of our actions, overshooting the mark, taking target practice, etc. can we develop our skills and abilities. Children do this naturally at play. When a child is playing, she makes plenty of “mistakes,” yet she doesn’t stop every time something doesn’t turn out perfectly. If she did, she’d never learn to walk! A child doesn’t go right from crawling to walking without spills and falls. In fact, spills and falls are part of the process and part of the adventure.
Yet, as adults, our fear of making mistakes often keeps us from being as spontaneous, free, playful, and alive as we could be.
Afraid to look bad, or be embarrassed, we often limit our experience. Afraid of making a mistake, we don’t take risks that could help us learn and grow. Afraid of looking stupid, we don’t ask questions to learn what we could. Afraid of being humiliated, we don’t express ourselves fully. We often think that we have to do things perfectly in order to be OK. We become more focused on looking good (or not looking bad), rather than learning and growing. We often try to appear like we have it all together and are afraid that if we don’t look good, do things well, etc. we won’t be loved, or that we won’t be OK.
Developing a Growth Mindset
Studies show that praising children for looking smart or doing things well backfires because then they don’t want to jeopardize their standing by making mistakes, so they take fewer risks and reduce their performance and success. In one study of children’s performance on a series of tests, the children who were praised for their effort improved their scores by 30%, and those praised for intelligence scored 20% worse! Praising effort in children, rather than telling them how smart they are, raises their performance levels—and their sense of self-efficacy, their belief in their capability.
High performers develop a different attitude towards mistakes—they see mistakes as data or information that will help them improve, not as indictments of themselves or their character and skill. And worrying about not making mistakes, rather than just going for it, uses precious prefrontal cortex resources, which makes us more likely to choke and perform far below our actual ability!
Successful people develop a different attitude toward their mistakes. They learn to rebound from their mistakes and failures, see them as helpful information, and don’t give up. (Walt Disney was once fired from a job because he “lacked imagination” and Michael Jordan was cut from the varsity basketball team as a sophomore. It is said that Thomas Edison claimed, “I didn’t fail 1000 times. The light bulb was an invention with 1000 steps.”)
From Mistaken Beliefs to Empowering Beliefs about Mistakes
Think about your mistaken beliefs related to making mistakes, such as I’m not good enough…I’m not enough…I have to be perfect in order to be loved/good enough/valuable…
What stinking thinking do you have when you make a mistake? Thoughts like: I’m such a loser…Stupid…You idiot…See, I knew I shouldn’t have tried that…Who do you think you are, trying for something like that?...I’m a failure…I never do anything right…
Record your mistaken beliefs and stinking thinking in your notes/journal. What would you like to believe, and think, instead?
I’m courageous…
I engage fully in life…
I love to learn…
Making mistakes is part of getting better at things…
Babe Ruth was the home run king, but he was also the strike out king…
Going for it and learning and growing is the win…
Record the empowering beliefs, behaviors, and thoughts you are rematrixing toward and the vision of who you are becoming in your journal to capture these revelations in the moment. And use this assignment to move toward that vision.
And remember, we can’t learn without making mistakes, and we can’t love ourselves if we can’t accept that we must make mistakes and learn from them.
We can’t love ourselves without accepting that we are growing, evolving beings who are not supposed to be perfect all the time. There are many parts to each of us—and there are no bad parts. Rather than exiling the part of us that feels the pain associated with our mistaken beliefs about mistakes or trying to manage and keep those feelings at bay by not making mistakes, it’s time to give ourselves permission and the freedom to mess up.
We are nourished when we accept that we don’t have to be perfect to be OK; we don’t have to do things right in order to be loved. In fact, it is by doing things wrong, and learning from our mistakes, that we learn, grow, build our skills, and become not only more successful, but more satisfied—and more of ourselves. Remember to have compassion this week as you make mistakes; remember, making mistakes is part of being human, so be kind to yourself instead of judging yourself!
The purpose of this week’s assignment is to break the hold that our negative beliefs about mistakes have over us by reveling in making mistakes! Loosen up, be more spontaneous, and go against your beliefs about making mistakes. See what happens when you give yourself permission to make mistakes.
Make—and Celebrate— Mistakes
Main Assignment
Your assignment this week is to make mistakes—plenty of them, in as many ways and in as many situations as you can. And, when you make mistakes, celebrate them! Your mistakes mean that you took a risk, you tried something new, you engaged fully in your world—you are on the adventure of life! Rather than standing on the sidelines watching life go by, or limiting your activities to the things you already know and do well, or settling for ruts and routines, say yes to life! Celebrate the risks you have taken in the past that had poor outcomes, felt like mistakes, or were humiliating. Congratulate yourself for engaging in life, getting out on the playing field of life and playing—even if the results were less than stellar. What matters is that you went for it!
Very-Able Assignments
Take Guesses
Don’t think you have to know everything. Make guesses and ask people. Be willing to say, "Do you mean…?" Tell people when you don’t understand them. Rather than freezing when you don’t know how to do something, take a guess and go at it. Be willing to make mistakes.
Remember, studies show that guessing before getting the actual answer is one of the ways we learn best. You are much more likely to remember the right answer after you have already guessed the wrong answer. So guess away!
Beginner’s Mind
When you are new at a subject or just beginning something, you are starting with a blank slate. Cultivate Beginner’s Mind—be curious, ask questions, be like a child, full of wonder and amazement and eager to learn—"I wonder what this is? I wonder what this means?”
Do the Wrong Thing
Purposely do the wrong thing—say the wrong thing, go the wrong way, make mistakes. Do this big and small—bring home yogurt when your wife asked for milk, tally the figures wrong on your report, push the wrong elevator button, pull the push door, tell your wife you don’t like the dinner she made…
Do things against the grain—if everyone wants to go for pizza, vote for Chinese. If the conversation is turning to sports, well, you are on your own on that one…
Be irrelevant, contrary. Go against the grain. Walk on the wrong side of the sidewalk, do things differently than others, color outside the lines.
Be Messy
This week, go somewhere looking a mess. (Especially for those of you who can’t stand a bad hair day, or your day is ruined if there is a coffee stain on your shirt…) Wear stripes with plaid, don’t wear your makeup, mess up your hair, wear brown shoes with black pants, put a run in your hose, wear a pocket protector or flood pants…
Celebrate Your Mistakes
This week, celebrate your mistakes: “Wow! I took a risk! I tried something new. I made a big honking mistake! I looked stupid! How cool—I am learning and growing!”
Fear and Beliefs About Making Mistakes
As you make mistakes this week, notice any beliefs you have around making mistakes and any fear that you feel that prevents you from being fully alive, spontaneous, and free. Using the Fears and Beliefs About Making Mistakes, make note of the situations and interactions you have this week in which you feel afraid to make mistakes. Write down the beliefs that are behind those feelings, as well as beliefs you would like to develop.
Extra Reflection
Begin to write an essay summarizing and expressing your experiences so far. This is your official assignment next week, but nourish and care for yourself by getting a start on it now.
Consider the following to help you in your inquiry and exploration: review all your assignments—becoming aware of the Drama Triangle, your relationship with and beliefs about your feelings, and the sensations in your body that indicate feelings; naming your feelings, learning to soothe and comfort yourself; expressing your feelings; engaging more fully in the world by following your urges and fulfilling your yearning; asking for things; being a host wherever you are; getting positive attention; playing; and now, making and celebrating mistakes. What did you learn and how did you grow and how did your experiences impact your vision for yourself and your life?
How did you develop your emotional intelligence and facility this time? Take stock and reflect on your learning and growing, as well as any areas of emotional awareness and facility, full-out engaging, and self-care where you still feel blocked—areas that may require your special attention.
Reflect and discuss things like: What is your vision for being profoundly nourished in your relationships, in your career, in your personal life, and what might it take for you to live into that vision? What do you need to do to become the person in your vision? What is your vision for becoming even more in touch with your feelings and becoming more emotionally expressive?
What yearnings have you become aware of, which yearnings have you repressed? Which ones have you discovered and expressed? What yearnings do you wish to fulfill? What unthinkable goals have you reached this quarter? What unthinkable goals are you still striving for?
What mistaken beliefs did you begin to shift? Which beliefs have you become aware of that you wish to challenge? What skills and behaviors have you developed? What skills do you wish to develop? What emotions had you been blocking? Which feelings have you gotten in touch with? Which feelings do you wish to express more freely and fully? What empowering beliefs have you nurtured? What empowering beliefs do you wish to live from? Who have you influenced this quarter? What influence do you wish to have in your world? Where do you want to go from here; what work do you think is ahead of you in this arena? What will it cost you if you do not continue to learn, grow, and change in these areas? What will be the benefits if you continue to develop your emotional facility, engaging more fully, and all areas you have been exploring this quarter?
Remember, while others will benefit from reading your essay, its true purpose is for YOU—to review, integrate, and glean your lessons from the quarter; develop a vision for your future growth, and plan and anticipate the growth moves you will need to make to continue your growth and transformation in the future.
Risk to Invite People to Join You
Invite others to play with you on the journey by letting them embrace your vision and sharing the progress you make with the mistakes made. Motivate them to incorporate this approach into their own personal journeys and discover enriching experiences along the way
