THE MYTH OF VICTIMHOOD

MYTH BUSTING AND FINDING FEELINGS

We address two areas this month to get at real nourishment and self-care. First, we must clear away the mistaken beliefs that cause us to make ineffective efforts at self-care. Second, we begin the journey to befriend our emotions and learn to heed them. As we overcome the common blocks and myths of self-care, we easily and naturally learn to engage in truly nourishing, restful, and recreational activities. Learning what really nourishes us provides the foundation for a life of greater consciousness, connection, and meaning.

THE MYTH OF VICTIMHOOD

The major block to our self-care and nourishment is the myth of victimhood—the illusion that we are victims, rather than creators, in our daily life. Eric Berne, the founder of Transactional Analysis, and his student, Stephen Karpman, developed the Drama Triangle to explain the dynamics of victimhood that cause us to make mistakes in self-care. In the Drama Triangle, each of us operates (often unconsciously) from one of three positions—victim, rescuer, or persecutor. When we regard ourselves as being victimized in our daily lives, we seek to be rescued from the persecutory forces around us. We engage in victim-based activities that we mistakenly think will provide self-care. Unfortunately, these activities have nothing to do with nourishment and everything to do with victimhood (even when they might be supportive in another context). In other words, even though the activity could be nourishing, our attitude renders it draining. Compare the difference between:

a) Feeling all “victimy” and sorry for ourselves after a tough day (I’ve had it!) and plopping in front of the TV with a carton of ice cream; or

b) After the same tough day, inviting friends over to rejuvenate with a fun sundae-making party and watching a great, inspiring movie together.

Both involve the same activity, but with a different attitude. One is draining; the other is energizing.

From the victim perspective, we feel “persecuted, ” and then we “treat” ourselves with soft addictions like overeating, shopping, or surfing the net, hoping that these activities will “rescue” us. Undernourished, we feel sorry for ourselves and try to tend to ourselves by overindulging. We escape rather than responsibly nourishing ourselves by dealing directly with situations or taking proactive steps to change.

We often feel victimized by our circumstances, feeling like we are at the mercy of, rather than creators of, our lives. Martin Seligman refers to this as “learned helplessness”—the perception that you can’t make things change or that you have no control over your surroundings. All of us have some pieces of this. Some of us sink into learned helplessness by looking at a situation and thinking it is permanent and immovable; some will exaggerate the outcome of one situation (failing a test) and generalize it to everything we do (I’m a failure). Another example of learned helplessness is over-personalization—taking responsibility for things far outside of our control. All these things (what Seligman calls permanence, pervasiveness, and personalization) keep us from true nourishment. Instead, the goal is self-efficacy — providing affirmation and encouragement to believe that we are capable of engaging, exercising our influence, and making a difference.

While we all indulge in victimhood, we don’t realize the cost it has in our lives—preventing us from creating the great lives we deserve. Falling into any of the roles of the Drama Triangle—victim, persecutor, or rescuer—zaps us and keeps us from learning and growing. In fact, when you are in the Drama Triangle, you guarantee that things will stay the same.

It is only by recognizing ourselves as the creators of our own lives that we can take effective actions to tend to our daily wounds and replenish ourselves to our fullest potential—and live a life of more abundance, satisfaction, fulfillment, energy, love, intimacy, productivity, and meaning.

ATTACHMENT AND THE DRAMA TRIANGLE

Our early attachment experiences form our core self, how we deal with our emotions, and what we believe about ourselves, others, and the world. Our matrix of core beliefs is formed very early based on our childhood experiences and ‘hardwired’ into our neurological pathways. Our resulting attachment schema affects the ways we interact with others, ourselves, and our world. The yearning to attach is a basic human need (as it is for all mammals—think of puppies!), but our attachment schema often limits, warps, or avoids the healthy, sustaining, comforting attachment we yearn for. Our efforts to attach often result in unconscious roles—like the roles of the Drama Triangle.

All roles of the Drama Triangle are mistaken or faulty attempts to attach to others—or even to ourselves.

Victimhood is a mistaken attempt to be accurately seen and reflected unconditionally, but when we are in victimhood, we are not accurately reflecting ourselves, so we can’t be accurately seen. We don’t accurately express our true pain, fear, or anger. Instead, we mix it up into a cocktail of self-pity, hoping that someone will see us, tend to us, take care of us, or rescue us. As we learn to take responsibility for our lives and to accurately express our hurt or anger, we can then create the healthy attachment we desire—by seeing ourselves accurately, in the here-and-now, unconditionally, with positive regard, consistently—and having others see us the same way.

The Persecutor stance is also a mistaken attempt to attach. Think of a little kid who hits another kid with his toy or blames another child (or his/her sibling!) to get attention or connection. They are attempting to make contact and to attach. Often that feels safer than to be outwardly vulnerable in seeking attachment. The persecutors' stance mask yearnings and deep feelings— often anger covering the vulnerable feelings of hurt or fear. As we take responsibility for our own behavior and tap into our true feelings of anger and the underlying feelings that trigger our anger, we can then express them and receive the empowering attachment we seek.

The Rescuer stance is also a mistaken attempt to attach by getting over-involved in another’s life or situation. Rescuers attempt to attach, connect, and feel close. However, Rescuers don’t show up fully with their own needs, feelings, and desires, so they can’t get accurately seen with positive regard, unconditionally. Rescuers try to get attached to another by over-helping, but they aren’t truly present as themselves. As Rescuers learn to be with and express their own feelings and needs, they can create healthy attachments where they are accurately seen—and they can also accurately see those they interact with. They then can assist others, but it is done in mutuality and responsibility, creating true, empowering attachment.

By recognizing the Drama Triangle in our lives, and in the lives around us, we can start taking responsibility for our lives and experience the deep, empowering attachment with ourselves and others that we deeply yearn for—and live the great lives we deserve.