NEW BELIEFS
Forge New and Improved Beliefs and Rules—and Live Them, Taking 50% of the Blame
You have been exploring your family rules, myths, and beliefs and becoming more aware of the Stinking Thinking that arises from your mistaken beliefs and “mythconceptions.”
We all are products of our family and societal upbringing, and we unconsciously develop our matrix of beliefs from our early attachment experiences. We also unconsciously adopt the beliefs and rules of our family and society without being consciously aware that we are doing so. We often accept these beliefs as “the way things are” or “the truth” when, actually, they are simply beliefs. We don’t examine them to discern whether these beliefs serve us. We operate according to the beliefs that we formed from our early experiences and training, rather than ones we might consciously choose ourselves. Even if we reject family or cultural beliefs, we often rebel against them—so we are still being reactive to the beliefs, rather than consciously choosing what we believe.
The purpose of examining family rules, myths, and beliefs is to be aware of the invisible chains that bind us and discover how they influence us.
By examining them, we make them more visible. From there, we can begin to make more conscious decisions as to what we wish to believe in. Breaking free from our limiting beliefs, we become free to choose empowering beliefs.
This week, begin to envision your life more consciously, begin to consciously choose what you want to believe, and think about the rules that you choose to live by. Envisioning your life as you choose it to be is a very powerful skill to help you become the creator of your life—to become more authentic, more real, more you.
Vision
Vision is the power of seeing, the ability to imagine a vivid mental image. When you create vision for your life and begin to live it, you are creating a conception—you are deciding to birth a new you. Developing a vision begins to support the bigger “why” in your life that gives you a reason to do the things you do. It helps you to envision your One Decision as it influences all aspects of your life.
Your vision is a picture of your future—a direction, a picture of what you desire in your heart. It gives form to what really matters to you. It is an image of your highest self that you now have an intention to bring into being.
Having a vision provides momentum to keep going. It helps you focus and remember why you are doing the work you are doing. Vision reminds you of the purpose of doing your assignments and the importance of learning and growing. Your vision can help you get back on track when you feel unsure, when you doubt, and when you question.
Vision of Self-Validated Intimacy
Your assignment this week is to create a vision for at least three of the seven areas of life (the primary ones to cover are your relationship with yourself, your family, and others or your relationship with work/play) and…
begin to see what beliefs would fuel your vision and learn and live the rules to support it.
Use self-validated intimacy to fuel your vision. Envision yourself as a fully differentiated person, who can connect deeply with others and be fully yourself. Remember that self-validated intimacy involves providing support for yourself while letting your true self be known as exemplified by this quote:
“I don’t expect you to agree with me; you weren’t put on the face of the earth to validate and reinforce me. But I want you to love me—and you can’t really do that if you don’t know me. I don’t want your rejection—but I must face that possibility if I’m ever to feel accepted or secure with you. It’s time to show myself to you and confront my separateness and mortality.”
Rules of Engagement
(with Special Attention to Rule #3)
You need new Rules to live your new vision. Continue to deepen your learning and application of the Rules of Engagement while learning to live increasingly on the right side of the Engagement Continuum into Transformative and Intimate Engagement. The Rules of Engagement take you out of the left side into the right side of the Engagement Continuum—where true intimacy and transformative relationships take place.
Remember the Rules of Engagement we have covered so far (from The Heart of the Fight) are:
RULE #1: Accentuate the positive.
RULE #2: Minimize the negative.
Minimize the negative means that you will act less on the left side of the continuum. Accentuate the positive will have you living more on the right side of the Engagement Continuum into transformative, intimate engagement. We emphasize each of the other rules in the following weeks; however, begin envisioning living all the other Rules of Engagement to support your vision:
RULE #3: No one gets more than 50 percent of the blame.
RULE #4: Everyone is 100% responsible for their own happiness and satisfaction.
RULE #5: Express and agree with the truth, always.
RULE #6: Fight for, not against.
RULE #7: Assume goodwill.
Practice Rule #3: No One Gets More than 50% of the Blame
This week, keep in mind all of the Rules of Engagement, but specifically practice Rule #3:
RULE #3: No one gets more than 50 percent of the blame.
As we add this new rule, we build our muscle on the right side of that engagement continuum. Reducing blame and taking more responsibility is a powerful tool of true intimacy and robust relationships. Often, we blame because we haven’t oriented to a vision of self-validated intimacy. We are trying to meet a yearning to be seen or to matter or to exist by puffing up our false self and placing the blame elsewhere. But if we look at our lives as our own creation and we orient to self-validated intimacy, we have tremendous room to take back our own responsibility. And ironically, by not giving more than 50% of the blame to someone else, we buoy our sense of self, not the other way around.
This week, as you orient to the visions you create, catch yourself when you want to blame or feel a victim to anything or anyone in your life. This includes your family of origin and the unconscious rules, myths, and beliefs you inherited! Remember that no one gets more than 50% of the blame, and see what learning there is for you in the relationship or situation. By reclaiming this, you are validating your own right to exist, to be seen, to be known.
Identify Other Rules and Beliefs—and Live Them
In addition to the Rules of Engagement, identify any other alternate rules and beliefs with which you choose to operate and the vision they imply. Test out your new rules in the service of your vision by living them this week. This is an opportunity to begin dreaming and creating a picture for how you would like your life to be in these areas—and acting on your new rules. This is building a new you––establishing the foundation for the you that you’ve always wanted to be and are finally allowing yourself to envision.
And as you increasingly express your truth and your feelings, you provide the power for your vision.
Visioning also activates your frontal lobe, which is where the transformational magic happens. The frontal lobe is the seat of our intention and will. The more we focus on our vision, and the more we focus on our yearnings and values, the more we transform.
Through your work from exploring rules, myths and beliefs in your family, you have discovered some of your limiting programming and beliefs. Perhaps your matrix includes beliefs like I’m not good enough…I’m not worthy…I’m not okay…I’m not lovable…The world is a scary place…There’s not enough resources…I am alone and can’t count on others. Perhaps you were also discouraged from wanting a lot out of life, or your dreams were diminished, or you weren’t encouraged to be in tune with your feelings. You may have seen how you weren’t taught to want more or to dream big. You have probably seen that your beliefs and rules have limited what you thought was possible in your life. Perhaps you have held back because you are afraid of rejection or afraid you won’t fit in with your family. Now is the opportunity to bust through the limiting beliefs you are beginning to uncover and to begin to claim and live the life you desire.
As you begin to vision, you challenge your mistaken beliefs in a different way. Notice that your stinking thinking may “sneak” in. Remember that those beliefs and stinking thinking aren’t real. They are barriers in the way of your yearnings. Keep your vision in front of you—it acts as a tool to keep aligning to your highest self. Your vision reflects the magnificent human being that you are becoming.
Create a picture of how you would like your life to look, taste, and feel. It is an opportunity to build on the beliefs and values of your family, which really mattered to you or had a positive impact—to take it beyond what you thought was possible.
Create Vision, Beliefs, and Rules to Live by— and Test Them Out, While Taking 50% of the Blame!
Main Assignment
Your assignment this week has four interlocking parts:
Create a vision (inspired by self-validated intimacy),
Begin to develop the beliefs you would like to adopt to live that vision,
Practice living the Rule of Engagement that no one gets more than 50% of the blame (while continuing to accentuate the positive and minimize the negative) and develop other rules by which you will live to make that vision a reality—and then,
Go test them out!
Very-Able Assignments
Pick an Area of Life Each Day
Each day, choose one area of life to examine more deeply. Flesh out your vision; reference the Rules of Engagement related to your vision and add any other rules that would serve your vision; and write the positive beliefs needed to live that vision. Now live by your new rules for that area for that day. There are seven areas of life and seven days—how convenient!
Test Drive a Belief Each Day
Pick an area of life for each day and pick one positive belief and/or rule that is needed to live that vision and experiment with it—test drive a belief each day. For that day, live that belief and operationalize the rule. Keep aligning to it throughout the day. You can pick a different belief each day related to the corresponding area of life. Or perhaps the new positive beliefs you choose will cross over several areas of life. Perhaps you choose “I am worthy” as a positive belief to help you fulfill your vision. How would that belief inform your day? Imagine living that way for the day. What will you do? How will you think? What activities or behaviors will you choose to help you live that belief during the day? Then, live it!
Track Yourself
Live this week according to the Rules of Engagement. Pick one day specifically when you will keep track of the rules you lived by, or rules you broke, using the attached worksheet called “Living the Rules of Engagement.” Note what limiting beliefs about relationships are being assaulted as you live according to these Rules.
The Relationship Engagement Continuum (attached to this lesson) moves from a Neutral or Destructive on the left to Constructive and Creative on the right. Differentiation and self-validated intimacy involve living from the right side of the continuum. Pick a day this week (or every day or several times a day!) to use the worksheet called “Tracking Yourself on the Continuum” to locate yourself along the continuum hour by hour.
Begin Developing a Vision for Thanksgiving and Share it with Your Family or Friends
Create a vision for your Thanksgiving Holiday. How do you want it to be? What qualities matter to you? How will you stay present and connected to loved ones, whether you are seeing each other in person or not? What do you want to be able to say about your Thanksgiving holiday when it is over? Share your vision with the people you are sharing the holiday with and ask them what their vision is, too. Pick some (or all!) of the Rules of Engagement to follow on the holiday.
Decide what other “rules” would be helpful to make your vision come true. Perhaps it is developing a new ritual, offering to say grace before the meal, or having a time when everyone says something they are thankful for, or writing a blessing on everyone’s place-card (or into the zoom “chat”) to say what you are thankful for about them, or limiting the alcohol consumption, or if you’re in person, having a “job jar” of tasks that everyone pulls from to get their job for the day so everyone pitches in…Now, take action to make your vision real. It doesn’t have to measure up to your ideal vision—it is good practice to create a “real” vision that incorporates some of the spirit of your ideal vision.
Invite Others to Join You in Your Vision
Invite others to join you in the journey and share your vision of learning and growing and developing more tools of engagement and intimacy. Encourage them to explore how creating your vision can inform taking charge of your life, and thus lead to more meaningful relationships.
Perhaps you choose “I am worthy” as a positive belief to help you fulfill your vision.
How would that belief inform your day?
Create a picture of how you would like your life to look, taste, and feel. It is an opportunity to build on the beliefs and values of your family that really mattered to you or had a positive impact—to take it beyond what you thought was possible.
Develop a vision for at least three of the seven areas of life—be sure to cover your relationship with yourself, your family, and your relationship with others and/or with work/play. Do this with a buddy and let them take notes for you as you dream. Use the worksheets provided. Take two minutes for 3 or 4 of the 7 areas of life to just speak and dream your vision for your relationship with your:
Body
Self
Family
Work and Play
Others
Society
Higher Power/Spirituality/Life Purpose
And as you continue adding to expand your vision for yourself, document these orienting principles and how you are living them.
2) Beliefs to Support My Vision
Using the column on your Vision Sheet, scribble down the beliefs that you think might be needed or helpful to live your vision. Do this with your partner and have them record your thoughts. Spend up to two minutes per area.
3) Rules to Implement My Vision
Do the same in the Rules column—what rules might you choose to implement your vision? Again, talk while your buddy records your ideas.
Using the template attached to this lesson, compare these rules related to the beliefs and vision you wish to live. You have had practice with the first two rules, but you can look at all the rules you wish to live. How do your rules hold up to these Rules?
RULE #1: Accentuate the positive.
RULE #2: Minimize the negative.
RULE #3: No one gets more than 50 percent of the blame.
RULE #4: Everyone is 100% responsible for their own happiness and satisfaction.
RULE #5: Express and agree with the truth, always.
RULE #6: Fight for, not against.
RULE #7: Assume goodwill.
Consider all possibilities—allow your heart, mind, and soul to open wide as you let all your dreams and your heart’s desire flow.
You are developing a vision of being differentiated and individuated with self-validated intimacy. Make this vision your own as you look at each area of life. What would self-validated intimacy look like in the context of your relationships—with yourself, others, family, and in work and play? It is possible to be totally yourself and deeply connected to people!
As you engage in this process, ask yourself: what beliefs would I need to live by to make my vision come true? Then use the Rules of Engagement and develop other new rules to live by—and new beliefs to embody—and try them! Take the opportunity this week to live your new vision, beliefs, and rules!
1) Envision Your Life
Review the work of the last two weeks. Look at the family rules, myths, and beliefs you have been discovering. Which ones serve you? Which ones don’t? Which ones would you like to build upon? Which would you like to replace? If you could start from scratch, which rules and beliefs would you adopt?
Think about being a fully differentiated person, with your own values, thoughts, feelings, opinions—able to fully be yourself and to belong, connect, and be close and intimate with others. Think about having the emotional maturity to be able to be on your own side, stand up for yourself, and be able to be vulnerable, tell the truth, and deal effectively with people and stay in relationship with people who do not necessarily agree with you or affirm you.
Now, imagine if you could want a lot like a 2-year-old child—with that ever-present feeling of “I want!” That is what we are encouraging you to do as you begin to vision for your life.
Flesh out your vision, write the positive beliefs needed to live that vision, and the rules you would need to live by to fulfill the vision. Now, live them!
Review Your Responses
Read through the notes that your buddy took for you and fill in any other beliefs or rules that you choose. Let this be an ongoing working template for you to be forming your own vision, beliefs, and rules for your life. Capture your vision and new empowering beliefs in your journal.
4) Live Your New Rules and Beliefs
Live the Rules of Engagement! Our particular emphasis this week is on Rule #3: No one gets more than 50% of the blame. You may choose to practice it as well as one of the other seven Rules each day.
You may also pick other rules and beliefs you will live by this week in the service of your vision. Choose a belief to live all week, or pick a different one to experiment with each day in different situations and with different people. Or choose a few rules to work on all week and each day, picking different areas of life in which to apply the rules.
Developing your vision, beliefs, and rules is an ongoing lifetime project. Your exploration is a powerful exercise in taking charge of your life. Congratulate yourself for your courage and hard work so far! Make your rules for living align with your vision of your best possible life—and go live them!
My New Vision for My Body
My New Vision for My Family
My New Vision for My Relationship with Work/Play
My New Vision for My Relationship with Higher Purpose/Spirituality
Living the Rules of Engagement
My New Vision for My Self
My New Vision for My Relationship with Others
My New Vision for My Relationship with Society
Test Drive Positive Beliefs
& Rules
RULE #1: Accentuate the positive.
RULE #2: Minimize the negative.
RULE #3: No one gets more than 50 percent of the blame.
RULE #4: You each get 100% responsibility for your happiness and satisfaction.
RULE #5: Express and agree with the truth, always.
RULE #6: Fight for, not against.
RULE #7: Assume goodwill.
