POWER OF COMPLIMENTS
You’ve been practicing new behaviors and challenging limiting beliefs by selling—which means, in addition to monetary exchanges, persuading others to do something, making an idea or proposal acceptable to others, persuading someone of your worth, getting others to exchange resources for what you are selling (whether an idea, a product, or a behavior change), and getting people to act.
Overcoming your resistance to selling and breaking any negative associations you may have concerning salespeople are parts of developing your personal power.
As you break through these mistaken beliefs by revealing more of yourself you pave the way for liberating into new ways of influencing and exerting your personal power.
Remember: selling, getting people to do things, and influencing others’ thoughts, feelings, and actions involve many more skills than just asking for things.
In the weeks to come, you experiment with skills from different poles of personal power to stretch your expression and influence. Remember, when we speak of personal power, we mean expanding who you are, expressing more of yourself, becoming more you.
The Power of Truthful Compliments
The power of truth is a key aspect of personal power. When we think of the power of truth, we often think of delivering hard-hitting, unpopular truths. Yet, sharing genuine compliments with someone else is another example of the power of truth. When you deliver a sincere compliment, you reflect the truth of your experience and the truth about another. Being able to offer sincere compliments magnifies your influence. Not only does it help you develop rapport with others, it also helps you to influence them in positive ways. Compliments have the power to do work by reinforcing another’s behavior—to maintain and sustain their direction or redirect their course entirely to procure your desired outcome.
All of us yearn to be seen, affirmed, loved, and to matter. Receiving genuine, sincere, truthful compliments, delivered effectively, touch these universal hungers and have immense power. Giving sincere compliments also meets our own yearnings to be seen, loved, to matter, and to make a difference. Compliments are empowering both to give and to receive.
Remember, we are talking about sincere, truthful, straight compliments, as opposed to fake, manipulative, insincere compliments that lack true, sustaining power. Think about how you feel when you receive an insincere compliment compared to a heartfelt, sincere one. Sincere compliments are reinforcing—they touch you more deeply and inspire you to do more of the behavior or act in the way of being that was complimented.
Sincere compliments are reinforcing, they touch you more deeply, and they inspire you to do more of the behavior or way of being that was complimented.
Mistaken Beliefs about Compliments
Many people have blocks to using compliments effectively. Most of us have mistaken beliefs about compliments based on our family programming. For example, if you were not fully nourished or affirmed growing up, your own unmet hunger for affirmation may impede your ability to affirm others. If you rarely received compliments yourself, it’s often difficult to give them to others. Or, if others used insincere compliments to manipulate you—sending confusing messages because you should have felt good, yet you didn’t because they didn’t see you or have your best interests at heart—then it’s difficult to compliment others cleanly and clearly. If others gave you half-compliments, resentful compliments, or vague pats on your head, you may not realize the power of true compliments and so don’t offer them to others. If others made fun of you (accused you of being a “suck up” or brown nose or touchy-feely, etc.), you may feel too vulnerable to give compliments. You may even have been programmed to believe that affirming others gives them too much power. And all of us have some experience witnessing insincere compliments or people using compliments disingenuously to manipulate, to garner favor, to avoid recrimination, or to be liked. You will work even more on addressing your unfinished business that might hold you back from complimenting others in Nourishment and Self-Care Lab and Personal Power Transformation Labs.
Developing Your Feminine Power Skills
Personal power is generally thought of from the perspective of masculine power: to drive, inject, push, conquer, etc. To be fully powerful, you need to develop all aspects of your power, both masculine and feminine. To develop requisite variety, you must access and utilize the full scope of both feminine and masculine power, regardless of your gender expression.
This week’s assignment, and others throughout the quarter, are designed to help you develop the feminine aspect of power available in all of us, including the power of compliments and the power of silence. These aspects of power are very different from the masculine power of driving or pushing. Rather than projecting, inserting, and asserting, you will instead learn to respond with compliments and silence. You may find the power of facilitation with a kind word—or no word at all.
In the feminine power assignments, you explore the power of words and the power of your presence. Think about the power of compliments. Compliments can keep a direction going or underline a vision—“I love the way you are doing that.” Or they can shift a direction— “I really liked the way you were doing that before.”
Think about rolling a tire down a street. It might be heavy to lift up and get going, but once you get it rolling, you can simply keep slapping it to keep it going. This is how compliments can keep things going in the right direction, encourage others to keep moving toward the outcome you desire, and help you maintain momentum to do work and have influence—exercising your personal power!
Practice the Power Tool of Compliments
Use compliments to expand your influence this week. Let people know what you like about them, how much you care about them, and what you appreciate about them. Use compliments to enter more meaningful conversations. You can start conversations with compliments—anything from “Hey, that’s a great shirt!” to “Wow, you handled that well—how did you know to do that?”—which can segue into more meaningful conversations. Explore the full power range of compliments. See how compliments can help you feel closer to people, have more positive influence, get to know people better, have others know you better, reinforce behaviors you like, learn from others...Keep track of all the ways that compliments build and express your personal power. Enjoy the power of compliments!
Use compliments to expand your influence this week. Let people know what you like about them, how much you care about them, and what you appreciate about them.
Give Compliments and Discover their Power!
Main Assignment
In this week’s assignment, you explore the power of compliments. Compliment as many people, in as many ways, and in as many situations as possible. Compliment loved ones, your children, your friends, coworkers, bosses, neighbors, acquaintances, and complete strangers. Compliment people in the elevator, at a business meeting, or at the dinner table. Flex your compliment muscle and see what happens.
Pay attention to the level of risk you take and the level of vulnerability you feel as you express yourself. Notice what results you get from complimenting. Notice what types of compliments leave you with a greater feeling of vulnerability and which feel riskier to you. Be aware of how genuine you are being as you share them. What feelings do you have when you are getting ready to compliment someone and when you deliver the compliment—fear, hurt, anger, sadness, joy? What states do you experience—shy, awkward, anticipatory, frozen, excited? What are your motivations and intentions as you compliment? Do you say them with the hopes of some acknowledgement back, or are you sharing it freely with no expectations? Are you delivering sincere or insincere compliments? Are some people easier to deliver compliments to than others?
Discover and learn with the power of compliments— both for you and the person receiving them—and update your journal with what you are learning. What mistaken beliefs are you addressing? What yearnings are you meeting? What vision are you stepping into? Make sure that your learning is captured using in the morning or evening before bed.
See how many compliments you can give each day, and take stock of the effects. Enjoy the journey of discovering the power of compliments in your life!
Very-Able Assignments
Discern Different Types of Compliments
Make lists of different types of compliments. (Come up with your own categories.) Rate them in terms of which are easiest and hardest for you to deliver. Identify which ones you tend to give and which ones you don’t. Journal on your mistaken beliefs, stinking thinking, and justifications you have for withholding from sharing compliments, as well as the motives—both positive and negative—you have for giving compliments. Update your Purposeful Leadership Process with what you are discovering. Be aware of your mistaken beliefs and stinking thinking that are at play.
Rate Risk and Vulnerability
Throughout your day, give compliments to people you know and don’t know. Rate the level of risk and vulnerability of each one for you.
Play With the Power of a Smile in Your Compliments
There are volumes of research as far back as Darwin about the power of a smile. Research has shown:
Without our own ability to smile, we actually have a difficult time assessing the sincerity of others because our smiling muscles actually help us try on someone else’s facial expression and assess it.
One smile has the same positive effect as 2,000 candy bars or $25,000!
Negative feedback given with a smile is more positively received.
People who smile are healthier and live longer.
If these are the positive benefits of smiling, imagine combining your compliment with a warm, genuine smile. Try one on for size and see what you discover as you compliment. Do you feel fake? Real? Do you feel happier? How easy or difficult is it for you to smile while you compliment?
Observe Others Who are Good at Giving Compliments
Make a list of people and situations where you see the power of compliments. What do they say? How do they give compliments? How do people respond to them? What do they have in common? Are there skills involved in being more powerful with compliments? What are they? List them.
Compliment Someone Who Is Better Than You
Identify a person that is better than you in some way. No matter what you feel toward that person—whether admiration, envy, or ill will, give that person a compliment and seek his/her guidance, advice, support in some way so that you can improve to be more like them in the area where they are superior.
Compliment Someone You Don’t Like
Reflect on people you don’t particularly like and may often criticize. Spend some time thinking about how they may be better than you. Identify something about them that is positive—which is fodder to praise them and to give them a compliment. Imagine what it would be like to share this with them. What holds you back from sharing it? Take a risk this week and share the compliment—what are you learning?
Ask for a Compliment
Identify people from whom you would like to receive a compliment and ask for it directly. Notice how you feel asking for it—and receiving it.
Notice if there is a difference you feel from asking for a compliment vs. being given one without asking.
Start Meaningful Conversations with Compliments
Having a positive influence on others is a manifestation of personal power. Flex your personal power muscles this week by using compliments to begin meaningful conversations
—with people close to you as well as strangers. Compliment someone on how they handled a situation, how friendly they are, their competence, or even that you like their shoes (or tie, dress, or hoodie!). You can ask them more about their lives, how they maintain such a positive attitude, where are they going that they are all dressed up for, or even, what their take is on a situation or their philosophy of life behind the activity you are complimenting them on. Use your compliments to expand and grow your community!
Compliment people by letting them know that they matter to you. As they open up, and as you encourage them through your compliments, compliment them through sharing with them.
It is a compliment to you when someone trusts you enough to open up and share with you and a compliment to others when you share with them. Share your journey and your commitment to personal transformation with them.
Give others the compliment of caring about them, wanting them to have even greater lives, and wanting to share your personal transformation journey with them. Invite them to events that you’re interested in attending.
Make a lists (like below) of the different types of compliments. Rate them in terms of which ones are easier for you to deliver. Reflect on which kinds of compliments you tend to give, and which you tend to withhold. Journal on why you withhold sharing compliments (your mistaken beliefs and stinking thinking) as well as your motives for giving compliments (both positive and negative).
Different Types of Compliments
Observing Others Who Are Good at Giving Compliments
Compliment Tracker
Reflections on Compliments
Compliment Someone Who is Better Than Me and Someone I Don’t Like
What I learned from complimenting someone better than myself:
What I learned from complimenting someone I don’t like:
Asking for a Compliment
What happened when I asked? What feelings did I have when I asked for compliments? What did I learn?