PROJECTIONS & TRANSFERENCES
Be Aware of Unfinished Developmental Business
In the last several lessons, you have been exploring your family rules, myths and beliefs; your vision for your family; and your unfinished developmental business of unexpressed feelings and unmet yearnings. Over the week, you mapped your family system and roles and discovered your family’s history of relationships through working on your genogram. This assignment revealed patterns of relationships, levels of individuation and differentiation, and historical patterns of intimacy (or lack of true intimacy) evident in your family tree. And through your work, you have been exploring your personal level of individuation and differentiation—and how this impacts your capacity for intimacy.
You have been discovering that your life is a reflection of your programming; your conditioning; your history; your degree of emotional maturity, individuation, and differentiation; and your beliefs. Your beliefs control your thinking, actions, feelings, and relationships and form the basis of who you are and how you see yourself. By becoming more aware of your attachment schema and your family conditioning and training, you are more aware of the beliefs you’ve adopted from your programming. Rather than be at the effect of these unconscious beliefs, you can now start envisioning your life the way you choose it to be and consciously develop positive beliefs to support your vision. You can begin to align your life to your vision and live according to your own rules. This is a liberating experience—creating more honest and fulfilling relationships with the people in your life, including those of other genders. The assignments this week, as well as those in the weeks that follow, help you escape from your old roles and become more genuinely present, more fully yourself—the creator of your life.
Previously, you began to create visions for yourself in some of the seven areas of life. Through identifying your family rules, myths, and beliefs, you were able to see how things were for you growing up. From that analysis, you were, and are, able to visualize more of what you want in your life and what is possible for you.
By acknowledging the truth of how you were programmed, you are now open to creativity, rather than reactivity.
By visioning, you are discovering possibilities and focusing on what you want, rather than what you don’t want. You are now consciously creating a path to lead you, whereas you were previously following a path formed by your unconscious limiting beliefs.
Vision inspires you and reminds you of what you deeply desire. You have begun to create the rules and beliefs by which you are choosing to live your life. As you continue to unfold this process, you can begin to see more clearly the gaps between where you have been and where you want to be—and begin to take the necessary steps to live your dreams.
By becoming more aware of your family roles and conditioned beliefs, you have begun to see how you can change your beliefs and roles. You can consciously live your life differently. You can begin to fill in the gaps, try on different beliefs and roles, and live more responsibly and consciously. You become more you and experience more true intimacy with yourself and others.
This week, you discover how your unfinished developmental business shows up in your emotional charges, projections, and transferences—and how these limit true intimacy. Experience reclaiming your projections and transferences and how that helps you complete your unfinished business—and paves the way to deeper intimacy and fulfillment in your relationships.
Unfinished Developmental Business: Projections and Transferences
You have started to become aware of your unfinished developmental business. This illustrates how you have not fully created self-validated intimacy or full differentiation—and how you have been conditioned into particular roles in your family that you now play in the rest of your life. Acknowledging your unfinished business helps you recognize your unmet yearnings and unexpressed feelings.
This week, you practice another skill of consciousness—looking at the mechanisms of projection and transference that shed light on your unfinished developmental business and observing how these unconscious mechanisms recreate your past, keeping you stuck in set roles and patterns of relationships. Projections and transferences keep us from seeing others fully and are the basis of many misunderstandings, misinterpretation, upsets, and fights with others.
With this assignment, you begin to identify how you unconsciously project your unfinished business onto others in your life—projecting the disowned parts of yourself, your unfinished business with your parents, and your unexpressed feelings.
Tending to your unfinished developmental business helps you complete what was not resolved in your past so that you can create a powerful future of genuineness and intimacy.
When we are projecting onto others, we don’t see them for who they really are. When we disown parts of ourselves, we are unaware of “who” is triggering our feelings and mistakenly ascribe them to the person we are with. When we are unconscious to our projections, we miss the opportunity to learn about ourselves—to understand our motivations, feelings, and actions. We fail to complete our unfinished business and fail to become more whole, more real, and more genuine. When we can own and complete our unfinished business, we are available to experience true intimacy. We know who we are more fully and can accurately see who we are with, without the distortion of projection.
False Self = Unfinished Business
Our unfinished business is often hidden underneath the shield of what Freud called our ego ideal and others call our false self (Winnicott 1965)—the self we show the world and want the world to validate. As we grow up, we become socialized. In the socialization process we learn what is OK and not OK to express. Families have rules that govern what is acceptable, and these rules almost always prohibit some zone of expression.
We are taught that only certain parts of ourselves are okay, so those become the only parts we show. We disown many of the other parts, thinking these parts are bad or aren’t loveable, and we hide them from others or even ourselves. We conceal unacceptable aspects of ourselves: our criticisms, emotions, pain, or even joy. So the only parts of us that we present to others are the acceptable parts in our false self. However, people close to us are likely to see and stir up the parts that don’t fit our ego ideal. This often creates an emotional charge—a reflexive reaction to the pain of uncovering those hidden aspects of ourselves that we have judged as unworthy or not OK.
As you have seen with your family rules, myths and beliefs, there were many things that you were encouraged to withhold and not express. There are parts of you and your emotional expression that you began to believe were not OK–or at least not OK to show. These feelings and thoughts have not gone away—they have been stored deep down in your core. These unexpressed feelings and thoughts can indicate your unfinished developmental business, which is what keeps you trapped and encourages victimhood rather than unleashing you to be the author of your own life. This is related to the roles you play in your family, masking some parts (often unconsciously) and only showing some aspects of yourself.
Unexpressed emotions compound and become patterns of unfinished business. For example, families that prohibit anger lead to members developing a backlog of unfinished “anger business.” There is a cost to this repression. We literally have attached some of our energy and freedom to keeping our emotional expression in check. By inventorying your unexpressed emotions and communication—whether feelings of anger, fear, and pain, or even love and bliss—you can free yourself to experience greater intimacy and effectiveness within your world.
Unfinished developmental business is the aggregation of any feelings, thoughts, conflicts, or issues that are unresolved or not completed from your past or past relationships. It is often unexpressed, and perhaps unacknowledged, deep feelings of hurt, loss, pain, resentment, or rage—typically towards a parent. Many times you may not even be aware of having these feelings towards your parents. Oftentimes, we more readily see unfinished developmental business triggered with a spouse, a boss, a friend, or even a stranger.
Unfinished developmental business is any feelings, thoughts, conflicts, or issues that are unresolved or not completed from your past and past relationships.
Unfinished developmental business is part of being human. Completing or finishing unfinished business is part of being a successful human being. In fact, a seventy-year longitudinal Harvard study revealed that those who lead happy, successful, satisfying lives have developed “mature adaptations”—healthy, mature ways of dealing with life’s stressors and experiences—as opposed to immature defense mechanisms. They have taken responsibility to “grow themselves up” and finish their unfinished developmental business. They have developed more emotional maturity, which, according to Murray Bowen, the founder of Family Systems Theory, is synonymous with becoming differentiated.
Remember, emotional maturity and differentiation are critical for us to experience true intimacy and satisfying relationships. It is your job as an adult to give yourself the parenting and training needed to fill in your developmental areas that are underdeveloped—to nourish your Love Sponge and become more emotionally mature. Relationships are where our unfinished business shows up, but also where we can reclaim our projections and transferences and experience true intimacy.
Projection Is Reflexive
The projections we place on others are automatically activated before we are even conscious of those with whom we will be interacting. Our attachment schemas shape our conscious experiences of others by activating rapid and automatic evaluations hundreds of milliseconds before our perception of others even reaches our consciousness! Thus, our reactions to our experiences with others which we believe are valid, thoughtful responses are actually unconscious reflections of our unfinished business!
Think about this scenario: You are at a party, talking to someone who doesn't seem to be listening and is scanning the room behind you. How do you feel and respond? You can interpret this situation in many ways depending on your schema. Maybe you experience it as abandonment—you are being rejected and, therefore, decide to leave. You may assume you are unlovable: “She doesn't like me.” You may fear social exclusion: “I’m an outsider in this group.” Or maybe you become superior: “This person isn’t worth my time.” These reactions are indicators of your unfinished business. The same situation is interpreted different ways, depending on our “filter” of projections on the situation.
Remember, just because something is a projection doesn’t mean it’s not true, but be aware that these unconscious projections can distort other possibilities—for example, you wouldn’t sense that the other person is searching for someone they think you might like to meet!
Projections are automatic, implicit, and reflexive. Projection is a defense mechanism—we are unconsciously trying to lessen our anxiety. We need to develop our ability to tolerate anxiety so we can get to the deeper truths about what is actually going on with us, making us more aware of ourselves and others. Intimacy requires that we become aware of our projections—and reclaim them.
When your emotional response is out of proportion to what is actually happening, it is often an indicator of projection, transference, and unfinished business.
When you experience an emotional “charge” that either escalates very quickly or you have a difficult time resolving or letting go of—you perseverate over, keep thinking about, stay charged for more than ten minutes, etc.—it is an indicator of unfinished business. While a particular situation or person might have triggered the response, the size of your reaction comes from your unfinished business.
A good general rule for identifying unfinished business is that when you are in a situation and your feelings escalate from 0 to 60 in a flash, you can guarantee that part of your reaction is some unfinished business from your past being triggered in that moment. The current situation may be upsetting, but not to the full degree you are experiencing it. For many people, the emotional charge is a high degree of upset, agitation, or rage, but it can also be deep pain, fear, or even numbness. Some people respond to the charge by checking out, getting numb, going into their heads, or shutting down.
By becoming aware of your emotional charges, projections, and transferences, you can discover, identify, and eventually work through the unfinished business of your past. Working through this empowers you then to be less reactive and more proactive.
Practice the Rule: Fight for, Not Against
As you notice and reclaim your projections and transferences, also practice “Fight for, Not Against”, to be more potent and satisfied wherever you are. As you consciously choose to fight for what meets your yearnings—fight for what truly matters to you—you are less likely to be triggered by others. Yearning is for things, not against them.
Others may be doing things that irritate you or even hurt, but if you can recognize what is triggering you in the situation, you can begin to fight for fulfilling your yearning, rather than simply reacting. Too often, we fight defensively about silly things or in counterproductive ways. We get sidetracked on who- said-what battles or debates over minutiae. This rule of engagement requires you to have conversations where you fight for something rather than just asserting your perspective or fighting against another.
You recognize and own what you want and yearn for and express yourself fully and responsibly—and often, vulnerably. You engage consciously. This then begins to unfold the path of living your visions— becoming real, present, and capable of true intimacy.
Projecting Our Disowned Selves onto Others
When we have parts of ourselves that we don’t own, we unconsciously project those aspects onto others. What we disown is different for each of us. One person may not be willing to ‘own’ their bossiness and, as a result, they consistently view others as being overly bossy. Another person may disown their sensitivity and caring.
As a result, they may consider others weak or dismiss them when others are expressing their care or sensitivity. We tend to have two types of projection: (1) golden projections where we ascribe extremely positive qualities on another, projecting our disowned positive qualities on others and (2) negative projections where we project our disowned dark side, our negative qualities on others.
What’s most important is to begin to recognize that the charges or strong reactions you have to others are likely your own projections. Then you can start noticing your charges and discover what aspects of yourself you have not been willing to own—and begin to reclaim those projections.
Reclaiming Our Projections and Intimacy
Learning to reclaim our unconscious projections is key to growing intimacy. A former student described the relationship between her anger and her projections:
There was a time when my whole worldview and perspective changed when I learned about projections. I began to see that there was no one out there but me. My husband and every person that I was really mad at, hated, blamed, and even admired was just an aspect of myself that I was projecting. After this, I literally began to treat him and others differently and began to get to know myself for the first time.
As we summarized in The Heart of the Fight book: “You can’t be intimate with someone you don’t know or can’t see, which is what happens when you coat your experience of them with your projections. Intimacy requires knowing yourself and recognizing how you create your reality based on forces from the past.”
Transference—Playing Out Our Unfinished Business
Psychologists make distinctions between projection and transference. While projection is often defined as projecting disowned parts of ourselves onto others, transference more commonly refers to when we “transfer” our experiences of our family of origin—when we were growing up—onto others. Transferences often entail a bundle of projections.
We don’t really “see” our bosses, our spouse, or the person on the street. What we “see” is the person from our past (typically a parent) and we emotionally regress to being a child again—without the skills and resources we have today. Expression of these unresolved and incomplete feelings and thoughts not only provides completion and healing, but also unleashes your power to become the author of your own life.
Being aware of projections and transferences, as well as your unfinished business, and taking responsibility for finishing it is how you will be able to experience true intimacy—really seeing and being with another rather than relating to projections of your family! Instead of pasting our unresolved feelings onto another person, we can begin to see them and ourselves as the real, whole, genuine people we are. This is how we can become closer to others, how we can resolve arguments, and understand ourselves and others more fully.
Emotional Charges = Unfinished Business
Track Your Projections & Transferences
Main Assignment
This week, notice your charges, projections, and transferences and reclaim them. Your main assignment has two parts this week:
PART 1: Become More Aware of Your Projections and Transferences
For the first part of your assignment, become more aware of the emotional charges that may indicate your projection or transferences onto others. As you become aware of your projections and transferences, start to own those disowned parts of yourself that you have been projecting onto others. For example, you may realize that you react toward other authority figures the same way you did/do with your father. You have been transferring your feelings toward your father onto other authority figures (or your boss or your spouse). Start to see how those unresolved feelings and upsets are best expressed directly with your father, rather than transferring them onto other people. This can help you see your boss or spouse more clearly—to see them as they really are, not a projection screen for your past.
Pay attention to how much your unfinished business affects your daily life and the impact it has on the people around you. Use the worksheets to help you with your assignment. The first worksheet (“My Charges!”) is designed to help you become aware of your emotional charges that indicate unfinished business. The second worksheet (“My Projections and Transferences”) is designed to help you scan your relationships for instances of projections and transferences.
Use the Heart of the Fight Template to help you work through your charges, projections, and transferences. Use this at least once this week and discover its power to help you unlock your projections and understand yourself and others more powerfully. Every time you have a charge, altercation, upset, or fight with someone, use this template. It is so helpful to understand what is really going on, to bring you back to yourself, and to unlock possibilities for true intimacy and understanding.
These worksheets are powerful tools to help you become aware of your unfinished business so that you can take control of your life, become more whole, and experience true intimacy. You create more responsible relationships by becoming more aware of your projections and transferences—aspects of your unfinished developmental business—allowing you to begin to reclaim them.
The more that you are able to identify your projections and transferences, the more present you are to what is really going on in the moment. Rather than just unconsciously resisting situations or people or circumstances based on your unfinished business and past programming, you now have a freedom to really go for what matters.
PART 2: Practice—Fight For, Not Against
Our unfinished business causes us to react against things rather than going for them. Yearning is for things, not against. Too often, we fight defensively about silly things or in counterproductive ways. We get sidetracked on who-said-what battles or debates over minutia which are, more often than not, fueled and amplified by our projections and transferences. By fighting for something, you take responsibility for your projections and transferences, recognize and own what you want and yearn for, and express yourself fully and responsibly— and often, vulnerably.
This week, stop and ask yourself: What am I fighting for? Your answer should involve the yearning beneath the fight. Seeking the yearning is key to finding what we are fighting for (or avoiding fighting for). Notice your charges and projections this week—and reclaim them!
Very-Able Assignments
Notice Your Charges
Where do you get “plugged in”? What seems to trigger you in relationships? With what people and in what situations do you go from zero to sixty in a flash, or go immediately numb, or check out, or sink completely into shame or experience some other quick reaction or response? Be aware of these people and situations and see what they say about your unfinished business. Every day this week, scan for charges and add to this inventory. List with whom this happens most often.
Reclaim Your Projections
Experiment with reclaiming projections and change your interactions accordingly. Acknowledge your charge and your projection. Ask yourself:
What about this person bothers me?
What’s it to me?
What/whom does it remind me of?
What is familiar about this feeling or experience
What am I really feeling?
What mistaken belief is triggered?
Experiment!
And notice what happens when you
reclaim a projection.
Use the attached worksheet to record your discoveries. Use the template at least once this week—and discover its power to help you unlock your projections and understand yourself and others more powerfully. Every time you have a charge, altercation, upset, or fight with someone, learn to use this template. It is so helpful to understand what is really going on, to bring you back to yourself, and to unlock possibilities for true intimacy and understanding.
My Unfinished Business—My Family Work
From the work you have been doing so far, what do you think is your Unfinished Business to complete—Family work? Mother work? Father work? Sibling work? Self work? This grid is to help you start mapping the Family work you need to do to tend to your unfinished business. This includes owning your projections of these family members onto others, shifting your mistaken beliefs, being able to express yourself fully with these family members, and altering patterns that no longer serve you.
“Fight For” By Attending Growthful Events
Use this week’s Rule of Engagement to “fight for” your unleashed expression, conscious connection, and nourishing enjoyment. Invite friends and family to join you in the journey by sharing the progress you make and inspire them to explore this in their own life events.
Get to the root of what’s really going on with you—and watch your charges dissipate, observe yourself as you “unlock,” and start seeing people more for who they are rather than a projection of your past—a necessary step for creating true intimacy.
And as you begin to get to the root, you can definitely claim what you are fighting for, rather than reacting to the unconscious projections and transferences that keep you from stepping into your potential. Experience true connection and intimacy!
Look for where you get plugged in. Your exploration is a powerful exercise in taking charge of your life. You’ll find data about your projections and your unfinished business.
Discover the power of noticing your charges, projections, and transferences—and reclaiming them! Understand yourself more fully and see others as who they really are. Notice your charges and your unfinished business as it shows up in projections and transference. See how by reclaiming them, you begin to see yourself and others more clearly and can create more real, genuine, and satisfying relationships. Learn to fight for what you really yearn for, rather than against what bothers you or what you don’t like.
This assignment can be a game changer in your relationships and your life. Dive in and discover its power!
