Responsible Critic
Become a Responsible Critic—Give Feedback in the Service of Vision
You have been experimenting with flexing your power muscles along the continuum of attractive power to assertive power. You have been learning to influence others’ behavior in the direction you desire through compliments, sharing what you like and dislike, silence, or expressing your displeasure. You have been willing to practice displeasing others so that you can truly learn to please yourself. What has it been like to seek disapproval and displease with ease? How did you assert your will, say “No,” and set limits? What influence did it have on others? On yourself? Have you been experiencing more of your power? Have you discovered what it is like to listen to what you think, what you want, what you believe—rather than trying to please others or avoid their judgments or censure?
Many people report that even if someone reacts with displeasure or disapproval, it isn’t as catastrophic as they had feared. They find that the whole world doesn’t fall apart just because someone doesn’t agree or approve. In fact, often you will find that others respond much differently than you had imagined and, in some instances, you even gained respect in the other person’s eyes.
You may find that you are getting closer to others as you continue to be more genuine, express your beliefs, risk their displeasure, and be more forthright about what you will and won’t do.
You are deepening your level of truth and becoming more real with others. You are more yourself, even in the face of rejection. You are learning to be on your own side.
Rather than being catty, writing them off, judging them, or ignoring the behavior that you know is limiting them, share your critique in the service of your vision for them. Every time you have a criticism or judgment about others, imagine that it is indicating a higher vision, something better for their lives. Chances are your criticism comes from measuring them against some standard or some possibility that they are not living into. See if you can put words to the vision the criticism indicates. Just on the other side of the criticism is probably a vision or unarticulated possibility you are sensing.
This week, unleash your inner critic—but do so responsibly. Remember, this assignment isn’t license to dump on someone else, chastise them, or humiliate them. The purpose isn’t to want only hurt someone. It is to deliver criticisms that—if they can hear, respond to, and use the feedback—will empower them to live their dreams. While you are doing that, you gain deep insight into yourself—your limiting and empowering beliefs, your yearnings, your feelings.
Through assignments, you will find that there is a lot of wisdom inside you that you keep under wraps. You see the power of your feedback and learn to deal with others’ responses to you when you tell it like it is. You also learn how to respond to unfiltered feedback. You discover ways you have limited your power by not saying what was on your mind. You experience your tremendous agency in the world. This week, you get a taste of this as you take steps in moving towards your full power capacity!
Your assignment is designed to support you to explore the part of you that cares about other people and holds back your opinions rather than using the truth to make a difference.
To contribute to others with responsible criticism, you must know them, care about them, hold a higher vision for them, and want to empower them to be their best.
“Mythconceptions” and Limiting Beliefs About Criticism
Look back on the “mythconceptions” you discovered about power and being powerful. How did criticizing fit into that? Perhaps you had negative programming or training, or messages about criticizing others, or negative experiences being criticized yourself.
Perhaps you were taught to censure criticism—“if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” Or maybe you were never taught to be affirming, so you typically don’t say anything nice. Or perhaps you learned to give compliments (that were perhaps somewhat superficial) to get into someone’s good graces, or to get them to like you, or to procure a favor, but your compliments weren’t intended to truly empower the other person. Or perhaps you were negatively criticized without a higher purpose or vision, or you were berated or demeaned and so you think that criticizing means being mean or hurtful. Be aware of how these past experiences and beliefs may hinder your ability to give straight, honest, empowering criticism—and be aware of how others may receive criticism.
Many people have experiences of family members or others humiliating them, dumping their anger on them, or lashing out at them with critical judgments. When this occurs, instead of seeing the positive in the criticism and using it in the service of their vision, many of those receiving criticism have projections or transferences which they place onto the one delivering criticism. There is a distinct difference in response between people who see your criticism in a negative light and those who see it as you intended—as empowerment. Critiquing is a loving act, although not everyone can receive it as such. Be aware of your own reaction to criticism, too, whether well-intended or not.
Empowering Criticism
Your assignment this week is designed to support you to explore the part of you that cares about other people and holds back your opinions rather than using the truth to make a difference.
This week, you up the ante in facing your fear of rejection, becoming more value-added, and being a more powerful influence in the world around you. You work to clear your mistaken beliefs about expressing what is true for you. You assert yourself more fully and genuinely in the service of your vision and the vision of others, regardless of the outcome.
In this assignment, you focus on being a responsible critic—delivering criticisms in the service of vision—in different settings. You tap further into your assertiveness and direct expression—another aspect of your power. You practice delivering potent feedback and requesting feedback from others in the service of your vision. You provide truthful, responsible, critical appraisal.
Remember, this is about expanding your power range. In the coming week/days, your job is to develop and hold vision for others and to give them feedback on how they are impeding their vision and how they are moving toward that vision. Be deeply truthful, forthright, and straight as to what is working for them and what is not. This isn’t about dumping, being catty, dissing, demeaning, or attacking. This is about giving straight criticism in the service of a bigger vision. Don’t pussyfoot around, or be circular, or unnecessarily sugarcoat your feedback. For inspiration, see the powerful scene in the movie, Good Will Hunting, where Ben Affleck’s character delivers criticism in the service of vision for Matt Damon’s character. It was straight and powerful—and empowering.
Think about the people in your life. What is your vision for them? Are they moving toward that vision? Are they stuck or plateaued? Are they going backwards? Look for their gaps, blocks, and resistances, as well as their strengths and tangible evidence of the steps they are taking towards achieving their vision. Imagine where they could be and what it would take to get them there—and be willing to deliver criticism to help them be their best. Remember what you learned in working on likes and dislikes as well as agreements and disagreements. You will be expressing criticisms, both positive and negative, which may be very stirring for you. However, remember that you are delivering feedback in the service of vision.
Also, remember that feedback is critical for high performance, and high performers actively seek feedback so they can improve. They see it as a huge contribution to their success. Geoff Colvin, the author of Talent is Overrated, says that high performers seek continuously available, accurate feedback on their results so that they can be better and better. Colvin points out that because our own personal, subjective assessment of how we're performing isn’t necessarily accurate, we require rigorous and precise feedback to be our best—especially from an MKO (More Knowledgeable Other).
Hold a Vision and Deliver Criticisms and Responsible Feedback
Main Assignment
This week, experiment with delivering criticisms in the service of your vision and your heart’s desires and vision for others.
Expand your power range, take risks, and assert your judgments to become a more powerful change agent, a more loving person, and a more potent influencer.
Think about the people in your life. What is your vision for them? What are your heart’s desires for them? What could they be capable of? What would you like for them to experience in life? What have they told you, or what do you imagine, that they really desire in life—their hopes, their dreams? What have they given up on because of mythconceptions, lack of support, lack of belief in themselves, or other blocks?
Now, in the service of your vision for them, think about the various criticisms you have about the people in your life that keep them from living that vision. What are some of the judgments that you have thought but withheld? What are you aware of that would be empowering feedback, straight truth about their potential or gifts, or potential blocks to them achieving their potential?
What is your vision and what criticisms do you have for them related to that vision? Hold your heart’s desire for others and deliver criticisms in the service of your vision:
Very-Able Assignments
Monitor All Your Criticisms and Dislikes and Rate Your Level of Risk
Go ahead and deliver criticisms, noting as many criticisms you have as you can (whether spoken or not). Rate what you think the degree of criticism is from 1 to 5 (innocuous risk to fully out there). Rate the degree to which your criticism is in the service of your vision for someone (or was it catty, payback, dissing, or demeaning?). Get used to being able to evaluate the level of critique you think you are delivering. It will help you assess how accurate you are as you begin to deliver them. What happened as you delivered them? Journal on this and report on how you were feeling on the worksheet provided.
Monitor Your Mythconceptions About Being a Critic
You might want to start by monitoring your dislikes and criticisms as well as likes and positive feedback without delivering them verbally. Monitor your mythconceptions about being a critic. Write down all the beliefs you have about being a critic. What are your thoughts and beliefs about people who are critical? How were you criticized in your past—was it responsible or not? In what ways have you been a silent critic? An aggressive critic? What do you believe will happen if you deliver criticisms?
Schedule Visioning and Feedback Dates—Meaningful Conversations!
Being on fire with your mission means serving everyone you touch in your life. That service doesn’t need to happen passively. Proactively schedule dates with friends, family members, co-workers, etc. this week to share your vision and feedback to empower them towards that vision. Let them know you want to share with them and empower them—and ask them to do the same for you. Set up a time to get together this week—and do it! See what it is like to have meaningful, purposeful conversations in the service of vision.
Do Fishbowls with Friends, Family, or Co-workers—Or Any Group or Team You Are a Part Of
Set up a fishbowl for feedback with a group you are in—your family, a group of friends, fellow co-workers on a project, etc. Explain the purpose of the fishbowl, create a vision for each person, and deliver straight feedback to them in the service of that vision. Follow the rules of the fishbowl: be responsible, don’t repeat, the person being fishbowled simply listens and takes it in, etc.
Ask Others to Share Their Feedback and Vision for You
Ask others what feedback they have for you, and what their vision is for you. What do they see you doing that is going toward that vision, and what are you doing to get in the way of that vision? How does their feedback strike you? What new insights can you gain from hearing their feedback?
Deliver Real-time Criticism
This is a time to be uncensored and deliver your criticisms in various settings with various people. You want to deliver them in the moment—to risk saying something as it is happening in the service of vision.
During a Meeting, in an Encounter at Work
With a Coworker or Your Boss
At Home with Family
With Friends
Take a Critical Stance About Something You Believe In or Care About
Think about something that matters to you. Where have you held back and not taken a stance because of fear of rejection? Make a move this week to stand up for what you believe in or what matters to you about a situation. Take a critical stance, see how it feels, and journal on what happens!
Share Your Vision for Others
Be a light for those in your community. Share your learnings and invite others to dive into their growth work with us. Experiment with your influence and growing power!
My vision for you is that you are healthy and robust, and full of energy and I see you treating yourself poorly, not taking care of yourself, and acting like you don't matter—and you do…
My vision for you is that you see yourself as capable and don't give up on yourself and I see you trash-talking yourself and I don't want anyone treating you like that— including yourself…
I see our relationship being close, intimate, supportive, and enjoying each other’s company and it’s hard to do that when you immediately reach for your phone…
You are quitting before you start—and that's not how I see you. You've accomplished many hard things in your life, and you act like you can't do this. You're not a quitter. Don't quit now…
Hold a vision and be aware of your criticisms and try various ways of delivering them to different people:
At Work, at a Meeting, to Coworkers
At Home
To Family
To Friends
To Strangers
Use your weekly planner to make the most of your assignment and update your journal with insights about your beliefs, feelings, or yearnings—both limiting and empowering—to leverage your assignment into your life as powerfully as possible. Truthful feedback in the service of something higher is one of the greatest gifts you can give to others and yourself. Expand your personal power and influence and deliver your criticisms in the service of vision!
